Irresistible Grace

Prayer

2006-08-25T22:33:00.000-07:00

I write on spiritual disciplines because we face a tough reality in the world, as Christians surrounded by temptation, sin and death. In this Christian faith, our spirit is willing, Matthew 24:26 says, but our body is weak. We are threatened daily by arrogance, envy, wrath, sloth, avarice, gluttony and lasciviousness, which is why the spiritual disciplines, supported by the full grace of God, must be central to our lives in order to become the “person who should emerge from following Him.” (Willard). Prayer, more than any discipline, is absolutely essential to the Christ-life transformation.

There are so many things in our society called prayer, that it makes it necessary to define the term. As it turns out, prayer may be less about us than we might at first think. Could it be that we are mostly prayer vessels, through which the Holy Spirit works to transform our hearts? I once read that prayer is “the Father, prompting the Holy Spirit, to pray to the Son, who petitions the Father.” Read that again, slowly. In other words, true prayer is God prompting the Holy Spirit in us to pray to Christ, who is our high priest to God. It’s all about God! We, in the process, are transformed and conformed to God’s will through our open communication with Him. Not only are we shaped and changed by this type of prayer, but are given perspective on what is truly God’s nature. When we take part in the work of Trinitarian prayer, all that is not of God falls away and is no longer offered up to the Son. All that remains is true to the nature of the holy God we serve. I believe this is why so often in the Psalms we see the Psalmist begin with petitions and end with praise. He lays his desires, his hurts, his fears and his angers plainly before a mighty God that takes them into His bosom and returns His own heart to His children through the Holy Spirit. Through prayer, the heart of man is transformed to the nature of God.

The implications of the reality of true prayer are far-reaching to the Christian and non-Christian alike. Does this mean that I must follow and respond to God, rather than demand? Yes. Does this mean I shouldn’t ask God for things I want? No. In our society, prayer is most commonly thought of as a means to “get something” from God. “Ask whatever in my name, and you shall have it,” is a commonly quoted saying of Jesus to justify this belief. I do encourage you to ask God for things you need, and as a Father would not give a stone to a son that asks for bread, God will not ignore your requests. However, be careful not to hear what you want to hear instead of what Jesus actually said. Jesus said, “Ask whatever ’in my name’,” which literally means “in my character” or “according to my nature.” He did not mean, “say the name ‘Jesus’ at the end of your prayer and I’ll give you that million dollars you asked for.” He meant, “listen to my voice. My sheep know my voice and obey.” He meant know Him, listen to Him and ask for what you need. God can not, by His nature, answer any prayer that is not consistent with His nature and purpose (of and from Him). He made that law and sticks to it, because a core value of God is remaining true to His holy nature. However, when we ask things that are of God’s nature and He responds, what better builder of our faith?

So, does this mean God can’t hear a non-Christian’s prayer? First, let me narrow the term Christian (as we must do) to someone who has been washed by the Blood of Christ, made into a new creation and given the Holy Spirit (God) to reside inside them. Now, let me answer the question: can God hear the prayers of non-Christians? Yes, of course He can! He can hear me talking right now! But, will he answer them? No. He won’t, because if they did not originate from Him, they are not in His will or His plan and are therefore disregarded. That statement is offensive, I believe, for one reason: we think this life is about pleasing ourselves. It is not – it is about worshipping God. Being obedient to God, through transformation in prayer, is worship and it pleases God tremendously. That said, obedience is also a basic duty of a follower of Christ (Luke 17:7-10). Besides, it is false to believe that we can know, apart from God, what is best for our lives. God can see much further than we can and can therefore lead us down a path that brings Him honor and us great Joy.

Does it matter what position I’m in or what words I use? Jewish tradition says that a man’s heart will often follow his physical body. You can see this in the mood changes you experience when you go from laying down to standing to kneeling. When you lay prostrate before your Lord, many times your stubborn heart has no choice but to follow. However, this is not to say you can not pray as you walk or swim or lay in bed. In fact, Paul encouraged believers to “pray without ceasing.” This is, in fact, what makes prayer a discipline rather than just an activity. It is a constant communication with God, which positions you to hear and receive Him. Pray all the time, about everything – and as far as words go, be honest! God already knows your heart, you can speak plainly!

So, why doesn’t God heal sick people every time someone prays? There are a lot of factors. First, is it true prayer – or are you conducting some strange experiment to test God? Although your non-Spirit-led prayer may be equivalent to the power of a lucky horseshoe, God is not a lucky horseshoe. He is alive, very powerful and will not be tested. Second, God performs miracles in proportion to your faith and the patient’s willingness and desire to be healed. Do you really believe God can heal? Does the patient? There are many more factors, but I don’t understand them well enough to write about them here.

Finally, let’s look at how Jesus taught us to pray (The Message):

“Holy Father,
Reveal who you are.
Set the world right.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Forgive us and keep us forgiving others.
Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil."

This prayer is rich in meaning, but I will only point out the major themes: a) knowing God b) enacting God’s will on earth c) providing for our most basic needs d) living in a right relationship with God and others e) guarding us against evil. Notice, no Ferraris or Game Boy’s in that prayer?

As Christ fell on His face, prostrate in prayer at Gethsemane, he demonstrated true prayer when he gave up His own fleshly desires in response to God’s will for Him to die a horrific death on the Cross. “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Lord, may my heart be like Christ’s, completely transformed and obedient to Your will. Teach me to listen and obey the Holy Spirit’s convictions on my life.

Fasting

2006-08-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

Jesus answered, "How can the guests of the bridegroom mourn while he is with them? The time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them; then they will fast.” Mathew 9:15

I‘ve struggled with this topic for several weeks because of simple arrogance; an intellectual arrogance before an infinitely intelligent God. An arrogance which knows “right” even in view of the God that created the body. Arrogance that believes we are somehow more intelligent than human beings who lived a short 2,000 years ago (see ‘Study’ in a few weeks… err, ok -- months); that we have somehow evolved beyond simple disciplines like fasting, which of course have grown irrelevant in this “modern age.” Most of all, I see an antinomian spirit among Christians that says I can do whatever I want, despite what the Bible clearly indicates and the example Jesus set. It’s this arrogance that has caused me to struggle with the writing of this post: my own arrogance, mostly. As God would have it, fasting is a walk in humility.

In the Christian biblical sense, fasting is a dietary restriction in which followers of Jesus submit to during times of prayer and intercession (Psalms 35:13, Matthew 17:21), mourning and grief (Ezra 10:6) and worship (Acts 13:2-3). An often misunderstood and therefore rarely exercised discipline, fasting was practiced by the fathers of our faith, from Moses and Elijah to John the Baptist and Jesus Himself. For over two years now, I have been practicing this discipline that, in many ways, still mystifies me. This seemingly self-mortifying ancient practice has mostly negative semblances today, such as involuntary hunger (without food) and the well-known and very damaging eating disorder of anorexia.

Very briefly, there are four main types of fasting: Absolute fast: No bread or water for a period; Solid food: No solid foods for a period; Substantial Bread and Water only; Restricted Diet: Avoiding certain foods. Time periods in scripture ranged from supernatural fasts, directed by God, which lasted as long as 80 days (Moses) and 40 days (Jesus) to weeks and, most commonly, days. Medically speaking, longer fasts (which I won’t dig into) carry significant risks and were always directed specifically by God. However, shorter fasts have notable medical benefits, which I will not get into here. Most commonly practiced, 1-3 day fasts, with the aid of juice and an occasional piece of fruit or bread (on the second day), are a regular practice for many Christians. (Juice fasting helps control the rate at which your body purges itself and prevents extreme weakness and discomfort in the first 48 hours of the fast.)

To the question, “Why fast?” I have only one good answer: weakness.

We should fast because we are weak. In our daily lives we arrogantly forget our weakness (complete dependence on God for goodness) and trudge on as if we can live apart from God. Daily, we forget the a) common grace (rain, sunshine, food) and b) specific grace (answered prayers) as if we somehow deserve anything we are given (Psalm 24). Through biblical fasting, however, we are positioned to recognize the provisions of God in our daily lives. We begin to see how often we are blessed by common grace, which we take for granted, and specific graces through which God meets our individual needs.

For me, fasting has proven fairly humiliating. It often brings to surface the strange solace I take in the pleasures of food as well as how much clever mastery I allow my own body (and the enemy) to have over my mind. I still struggle each time… which is why I simply can not mention fasting without pairing it directly with prayer (normally the case in scripture). It is the fasting (complete dependence) that draws me into humble prayer.

It is only through fasting as a spiritual discipline (not exercise), in prayer, that I learn of its true significance as a teacher to my soul. It humbles me, revealing my true dependence on God for all comfort. It trains my body to resist the devil, who tempts me to break the fast (Matthew 4:1-10). And what blesses me most is that it reveals the ability of God to provide “food you do not know about” in the midst of my suffering.

This separation from the flesh usually occurs over the first 48 hours, a humbling process in which I have failed many times. However, when I enter into that time in prayer, I enter with great humility and hunger towards a God I now see more clearly. A break in the dam seems to occur at that moment, when I gain a true sense of what Jesus meant in Matt 6:16-18 when he told us not to appear distressed, but to feast on the Lord and His will (Luke 12:33). Dallas Willard says, “Fasting is training in suffering happily as we feast on God. And it is a good lesson, because in our lives we will suffer, no matter what else happens to us.”

Finally, the desperation and suffering of fasting gives me an understanding of the boundless resources of our Lord! When in fasting and prayer, you are provided with the bread of God and the words that proceed from the mouth of God. When in prayer, your energy is restored and you are lifted to offer your service and prayers that are often such an integral part of the fasting process.

Here are some key scriptures related to fasting: Psalms 35:13; Isaiah 58; Acts 13:2-3

Frugality

2006-07-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

“Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the LORD ?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.”
Proverbs 30:8-9

As urgently critical and relevant to the human condition as any other topic, Jesus spoke more on our “relationship to money” than faith and prayer combined, heaven or hell and more than anything else except the Kingdom of Heaven. Fifteen percent of His teachings were money related and through His focus on that topic, Jesus demonstrated that our relationship with money is among the foremost of all spiritual disciplines.

Frugality, an uncommon term in our culture, is a nearly lost discipline that right-sizes the fleshly cry for possessions, titles and cash. Since it is a way of life that is, in a very real sense of the word, costly, it is not as “popular” of a discipline as fasting, prayer or confession. You can’t fake your way through this discipline very easily. And at the same time, it speaks out loud to the world, through actions, the condition of your soul. If someone needed to make a judgment as to your spiritual health, and could only use one metric, I would suggest going straight to your bank account. Where is your money going? I would look at percentages, not total dollars…. What percentage goes to God as your tithe? Are you giving the first tenth, that is, at least ten percent of your “before tax” salary? (Malachi 3:8-10) How much of your money is going towards bad debt? (Romans 13:8) How much is spent at the bars and on toys? A good eye-opening experiment is to look at all of your personal expenses over the past month… how much was spent on you? How much was given to God? How much went to others? Don’t worry, there’s no “holy percentage” formula… and the percentages really aren’t as important as the heart behind them (see Warren Buffet quote below).

The bank account method above is actually used by Christ to determine the spiritual condition of those he met in several instances in the bible. Look at Christ’s judgment, based on the level of sacrifice (percentage) in Luke 21:1-4: As he looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. “I tell you the truth," he said, "this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on." The widow did not give a large sum, but a large proportion of what she had available.

Here Jesus discerns Zacchaeus’ inward salvation experience by his outward expression of his relationship to money: But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, "Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount." Jesus said to him, "Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost."

In Mark 10:21-22, when Jesus taught the rich young ruler that the love of money will make it more difficult for many to get into heaven that it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle: Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth. Money alone kept him from Jesus.

When John Joseph Surin was asked why so few actually achieve saintly character, he replied “The chief reason is that they give too big a place in life to indifferent things.” And while frugality often serves the good of others and God, it is of grave importance as a discipline in its ability to free us from (cut off) desires for “indifferent things.” In that kind of freedom, we are able to “to do justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God.” (Micah 6:8) We are no longer busy jockeying for position, power or status... and can easily put others first. What if we just gave up on the desire to be famous? Or rich? If we did, would we ever have to compromise? Jesus hung on the cross after a compromise involving just thirty pieces of silver. The lust for money brings out the worst in men.

Frugality, then, is training in being satisfied with less – and using our money in ways other than to gratify selfish desires for status, wealth and fame. O. Hardman put it this way: “It is an injury to society as well as an offence against God when men pamper their bodies with rich and dainty foods and seriously diminish their physical and mental powers by excessive use of intoxicants… Luxury in every form is economically bad, it is provocative to the poor who see it flaunted before them, and it morally degrading to those who indulge in it. The Christian who has the ability to live luxuriously, but fasts from all extravagance, and practices simplicity in his dress, his home and his whole manner of life, is, therefore, rendering good service to society.”

Finally, we must counterbalance this discipline with the knowledge that frugality or charity does not save. Only the Blood of Jesus covers sins. When charity and frugality become a “good work” that earns us a place with God or in heaven, it is no longer a discipline. By definition, a spiritual discipline only positions us to know, receive and love God… it doesn’t earn favor.

Warren Buffet, after giving billions of dollars away to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, was noted as saying, "There is more than one way to get to heaven, but this is a great way." He later qualified the statement as a “colorful phrase” he uses to describe successful investing, but further laid bare his actual spiritual condition to the whole world with this statement: "I don't know whether or not there is a heaven," Mr. Buffett wrote. "But, if there is one, I would bet that admittance in no way depends upon giving away surplus wealth (however large the amount), which in no way affects the well-being of the giver."

Here we see it all goes back to the heart. Our checking account and frugal lives are a good outward reflection of our inward transformation, but it is not spiritual check box. The Pharisees tithed religiously, but their remaining wealth was horded and selfishly spent, revealing their true priorities. Lord, teach us to trust you to provide. Please don’t allow me to be rich or poor, but give me only my daily bread, so that I may walk humbly with You.

From a study of the Spirit of the Disciplines by Dallas Willard

Spiritual Disciplines

2006-06-18T17:23:00.001-07:00

I’ve discovered why, I believe, the Spirit has not permitted me to go into a formal field of ministry yet. As I left the community and accountability of a wonderful church in Dallas for the religious communal wasteland that is deep East Texas, I’ve come to learn some new things about my relationship to Jesus. In exchange for over 100 like-minded solid, walking Christians, I have chosen a handful of stressed out and burdened entrepreneurs, a church with few people my age and a very hectic schedule. I have felt the effects of little or no community.

A thousand times I’ve prayed, “Lord, I know I seem distant from you right now – but please don’t give up on me. I still love you!”

For some time, I’ve relied very heavily on community and others for building and refreshing my faith. And how important that is! It’s critical, in fact. We are, obviously, creatures hardwired for rich community with God and other people. But what happens when you step out into the wastelands? For example, the rice paddies of China or the jungles of Indonesia or Africa… places where there are no anointed preachers for a thousand miles. No friends to lift you up when the world is crushing you to the ground. What happens when your community, even in your church, fails to be a community? What about when “spiritual highs” are a distant memory, like a past life? What is it that keeps the lone missionary walking strong?

My humbled and broken answer is one which I have some head knowledge, but ashamedly too little life experience. It is a subject I understand and appreciate, but have neglected because of my rich group of friends and encouragers I have always had in my life. I’ve neglected, also, out of my distaste for acts that seem to be justification by works, or the earning of eternal life… religion. It is an answer which I believe the whole of the American church lacks… my answer is the spiritual disciplines.

Lately, I have been broken by my inability to do anything good without God – by my darkest darks, which are even deeper than the African jungles. When I live apart from active, daily intimacy with God as a Christian, I take the Lord’s name upon myself in vain. Often, I impede the spread of the gospel and the knowledge of God’s nature, which is the power of salvation, in the lives in which I have an influence. (The mention of God’s nature brings to mind another area I hope to explore soon, which is the significance of doctrine, or knowing the character and nature of the God we worship.)

In the timeline of God’s lesson plan for me, He has had me rereading sections of The Spirit of the Disciplines by Dallas Willard and starting on his new book, The Great Ommision. I hope over the next couple of weeks to write on the different disciplines as they fit into their primary purpose: positioning ourselves to praise, love and know God. They are, in their true form, spiritual acts Christ modeled for us in order to increase in grace and knowledge of a Holy God… to be an active disciple even when walking in the wastelands.

“For different reasons, and with different emphases, (the conservative and liberal churches) have agreed that discipleship to Christ is optional to membership in the Christian church. Thus, the very type of life that could change the course of human society—and upon occasion has done so—is excluded or at least omitted from the essential message of the church.”

Abide in Me

2006-05-14T16:29:00.000-07:00

After the miracle of feeding five thousand, many people had begun to follow Jesus. Jesus, knowing the crowd grew because He provided food that perishes and did not care about things of eternity, offered this statement:

“Most assuredly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For My flesh is food indeed, and My blood is drink indeed. He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in Me, and I in him.” John 6:53-56

Not surprisingly, many following Him turned back.

Certainly, this is not one of the more popular sayings of Jesus. You rarely hear it quoted in sermons or Sunday school. And, it in fact did not increase His popularity – as He boldly followed that statement with:

“Does this offend you? ...it is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life. But there are some of you who do not believe.”

And still more left.

Obviously, Jesus felt this was a crucial message to the survival of His disciples if He made statements that caused, what the modern church would call, “seekers” to turn away. Please keep in mind, He offered this message in the wake of miraculously providing food and drink for the crowds. You must eat my flesh. You must drink my blood. Obviously, Jesus was not a cannibal. So, what does that mean?

His message, as always, was focused on a spiritual need, not merely a physical need. It is easy for us to accept the idea that when you eat food, it gives your body energy and is used to build muscle, to repair tissues, to supply organs. Without food, your body will grow weak, become susceptible to disease and eventually die. Without food, your body can do nothing. The very same principals work in the spiritual realm. Without the Spirit, without abiding in Jesus, we can do nothing (John 15:6). We can do nothing of any worth to God.

There is also a time aspect built into our need for spiritual nourishment. As time passes, the longer we are apart from the presence of Jesus, from His word, the weaker our convictions, the less our power and the more susceptible we are to attack. It’s like food. Without it, we grow weak. In the same way we would not willfully go a day (unless fasting) without food, our soul does not willfully go a day without nourishment. Instead of hunger pains, we feel spiritual pain. We feel inadequate, empty, exhausted. We feel powerless. It’s no wonder many Christians feel powerless, bored, in their faith. They haven’t communed with Christ, abode in Him, for days, weeks, months or sometimes years!

There is no religion here. This is about relationship. It is about spending time with Jesus the way you would a good friend, your wife or a grandparent. That time helps you know them more, it transforms you and teaches you. But with Jesus, it’s more than that. He gives us the Spirit by which all of our righteousness and Christianity emanates. It is from abiding in Jesus, like grapes on a vine, that we bear much fruit. One thing that helps me in the discipline of abiding is www.freebibleemail.com.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. John15:5-8

The Heavens Declare...

2006-05-13T22:45:00.000-07:00

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:15-17

I believe we should (attempt to) offer the environment the same degree of care as the Creator gave in creating it, as all creation points to Jesus. A very surface study of biology would reveal the intricate detail, care and balance that our Father took in weaving the fabrics of life, down to the very last quark. I understand that what I am about to write is highly opinionated and not a critical issue… I almost didn’t post this entry, simply because it seems minor in the grand scheme of things… but I guess I just believe in conservationism. You be the judge as to whether what I write is consistent with the Spirit and brings glory to the Father.

What is written below is with the perspective that the world we currently live in will one day be destroyed and replaced by a “new heaven and new earth.” (Isaiah 65:17 and Rev 21:1) It is temporary and is “groaning” in anticipation of the second coming of Christ (Romans 8:19). Also, the end of this present earth or “human life” will not come from environmental decay, pollution or disaster – it will end with Christ’s return. Finally, in my non-scientific opinion, the earth was created with an uncanny ability to “absorb” the byproducts of human industrial “progress.”

However, if a great artist used his expertise to create a masterpiece of beauty, like Van Gogh’s Starry Night, would we not take special consideration when moving, handling or displaying that work? If not out of respect for the artist’s ability, would we not at least care for it out of its perceived or real value to the owner? What greater respect should we have for God’s masterpiece?

You will not see me chained to a redwood or protesting in front of a refinery. However, I believe balanced conservationism may have fallen out of favor as a healthy practice in response to the “Green” movement.

The Green movement claims that humans are the problem, heaping environmental doom upon ourselves as we destroy “Mother Earth.” I admit, humans may be a problem in that we make decisions apart from respect for creation… but the deeper issue, in my opinion, is not the damage to the environment as much as the greedy desires which drive the damage. I guess that takes us back to the Fall, which had a greater impact on the environment than any other event, as it changed weather patterns, introduced death and changed human nature. However, the Green movement often puts the environment over humanity, nearly deifying it. This view of the earth is found in eastern religions and hardcore environmentalists that often consider the creation to be of the same substance as the Creator. You see evidence of this idolatry in activists who willingly endanger human life (even their own!) for animals, to prevent the construction of pollution creating factories or the cutting of forests. Rational people will never willingly give their life for anything unless they consider the act of dying to be critical to preserving (or restoring) something endangered that is of greater value than their future days on earth. (Please consider that statement in view of what Jesus did on the cross.)

In response to this unfortunate misunderstanding of what creation is, the value creation has in pointing to God should not be forgotten. And we have a part in treating this creation with the respect and care of a good steward, even in its (and our) fallen and temporal state. Which, in my opinion, means different things for different people… for the politician and business leader, it means giving wise consideration to renewable sources of energy, for the average citizen, it means recycling and to the church, it means offering and preserving creation as a means of pointing to the Creator. Something as common as a star-filled night has the ability to make anyone wonder if a higher being may exist… a question which can lead to the one true God. I guess I’m trying to convince you that being a conservationist is Christian! All creation points to Jesus!

O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory
above the heavens.
From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise
because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.
When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him? (Psalm 8:1-4)

A Call to Confession

2006-05-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

This is not a call for the religious. It’s especially not a call I care to answer, as I’m afraid I’ll be exposed for the spiritual fraud I am… look at that last sentence; confession simply can not take place in a heart like that. Four references to myself in one sentence! This entry is about obedience before self to a just and holy God. An honest look may expose your Christianity as it has mine, that it can sometimes become more about what “they” think than about Jesus. Confession, on the other hand, is like lying down, open chest exposed, for spiritual surgery. It’s an act that cleaves the flesh from the heart; that flushes out pretension and fills with authenticity. And it’s something I haven’t done in a long time...

I don’t always feel spiritual. I don’t always “feel” like I love Jesus. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t care. My mind gets focused on my job or my friends or what I don’t have – and my thoughts about Him become less and less. I don’t care to read my bible or pray… and my words towards others aren’t encouraging… they’re short. You see, apathy is not my only issue. Some people who read this blog think because I write about visions or praying on my face that I have attained something spiritually. I’ve attained nothing. Everything I have I’ve been given… even so, I forget about the Giver, like a child that does not know how much his parents sacrificed for the clothes he wears and the food he eats.

I haven’t been tithing since March 23rd. It would be easy for me to say that it had to do with moving and not having joined my new church yet. The real reason: money is tight and I had been pushing it off. Malachi 3:6-12 recently flashed through my head – and I joyfully set up a recurring payment online for my new church and paid my back-tithes. Tithing, like confession, is not something God needs from us. He already knows our sin and all the riches already belong to Him. Our role is in our obedience.

My heart has been focused on me. I wonder at why they “wronged” me or why they say things they do. I take offense at things not worth being offended over. I see to it that my needs are met before I see to the needs of others. I have become the definition of selfish – and any departure from that is an act of God’s grace. Lord, grant me brokenness. I give you my hard and prideful heart. There is so much more I want to tell you – give me a friend I can trust to talk about my struggles!

But, it’s not just our close brothers and sisters that need to hear our confessions. My favorite part of the book “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller is when they set up a tent during a college drunkfest/orgy in Portland, Oregon. The tent had a sign over it that read “Confess Your Sins.” The students, with Donald, dressed up in monks clothes and smoked pipes while they waited as the other students mocked and laughed at them -- for good reason. Finally, after hours of standing and waiting, one half-drunk student walked in. He asked, “So, am I just supposed to spill it or what.” To which Donald replied, “Well, no… I really just wanted to tell you about what I had done… and ask for your forgiveness.” In front of the wide-eyed student, he began to ask for forgiveness for the crusades, for his personal sins, for acts of hate done in the name of Christ. He went on for thirty minutes. The visitor broke down… and before they knew it, the line filled the sidewalks with students waiting to hear from authentic Christians. You may be wondering what good this did… over the next couple of months, it opened up bible studies and Christian interest sessions where there had been none before. In a godless college, authenticity paved the way for Jesus to be made known.

Why do we feel like we have to hide our shortcomings – as if our mistakes will discredit Christ? If the secret got out that we are not perfect would non-believers then draw the conclusion that Christ is not perfect? If so, what message were we trying to get out: Christ crucified or Christian glorified? Is Christ's deity hanging on our spotlessness? Did Christ not die for that very reason, our fallen state? Is it only through grace that we are righteous? Why do we need to defend ourselves when people outside the church point to our faults? Why not confess and ask for forgiveness? Why not point to Jesus as our only hope? How refreshing and authentic would that be?

Some say, “I confess to the Lord… but not to other people.” Read James 5:16. We’re not talking about airing your dirty laundry for all to see; certainly, there are sins I would not mention on this blog. Confession is about rebuilding and renewing, not burdening or shaming. It’s about keeping your relationship with Jesus fresh and alive and open… confessing your sins so that the devil would not have a secret foothold in your life.

2 Corinthians 9:13 says, “Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, men will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else.”

One Sheep

2006-05-11T21:08:00.000-07:00

What do you think? If any man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go and search for the one that is straying?
If it turns out that he finds it, truly I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine which have not gone astray.
So it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones perish.
Mathew 18:12-14

Jesus, help me to write this so that your glory would be the result. Help me share what you showed me this weekend, about the measures you are prepared to take in order to bring one sheep to the flock. Help me to show the depth of your love.

I was amazed at the love the Lord showed me this past weekend, as we had a visitor out at the bulb farm. She was an old friend of one of my coworkers, out to see the farm, the cabin and a little bit of Texas. And as she later told me, she came to find “something that was lost.” She felt that God had somehow “called her to action” as a part of taking this trip to Texas. And once she arrived, I felt the Spirit urging me to talk with her.

Over the next few days, we spent hours on long car trips, a night at Northgate in College Station and a night out dancing in Tyler, where we discussed finance, politics, religion… all the stuff you’re not supposed to discuss with acquaintances… and got to talk a lot about Jesus. The last day, Sunday morning, we visited a new church (which I will join) and had breakfast at the local donut shop.

Over breakfast, I told her a story about a car wreck I had, before I had a relationship with Jesus… and how I nearly lost my life to stupidity and partying. She then asked what “turned me around,” at which point I shared my testimony, the good and the ugly. And, that was it… she left later that afternoon to head back to Maryland.

Monday morning, I got an unexpected email:
“I thought before this trip I had a relationship with Christ, it turns out I was wrong. It was just a name, something said in a prayer, something expressed in a service. Not a one-on-one relationship as my personal savior and guide through life. Yesterday was a revelation.”

The email broke me. What honesty! Lord, if everyone could be so honest – how many more could be spared? A precious soul; what could possibly be more important than what God Himself died to save? But it doesn’t end there. The morning before she left, she went back to visit with the pastor of my new church and accepted Christ. She was bold in her pursuit and found Jesus as a result.

The measures God took to reach her astound me! Forming a friendship that was the basis of her divine appointment in Texas, urging her to visit... all the while giving her friends back home who love God... the Lord taught me about the depth of His love, how He would burn everything, pass on all opportunities, give everything He owned, just to save one sheep. Just to save me. That is the heart of God.

Lord, help me to have your heart. A heart that abandons every pursuit that doesn’t lead to eternity... help me to pass when the enemy offers me the world, and instead pursue things you consider worthy!

Dreams and Visions

2006-04-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

The gifts of God always encourage and build faith. If they discourage or divide or cause someone to stumble, they should be kept quiet and checked for whether they are of God. I am certain the following three experiences were of God, so please be encouraged by a few examples of what He has done to encourage, guide and love me.

In the last days, God says,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your young men will see visions,
your old men will dream dreams.
Joel 2:28 (see also Acts 2:17)

I was at church worshipping during a Sunday morning service and the minister Michael Miller started praying that the Lord would rain down His Spirit on our group. At that, I began to see a vision of myself around a campfire, talking to native tribesmen in a language I could not understand. I was speaking and walking around the fire. Suddenly, bluish-white rain started pouring down and I looked up to see warriors dressed in white coming from a white and bluish light, carrying swords and passing over me. The rain seemed to be reaching me but I didn’t feel it – almost as if it was passing directly through me. I then looked down to see an extinguished campfire. A great sadness came over me as I realized the flame was out. It had once been burning, but now it was not. I realized the vision was about a choice I had made, when I chose to work at GE rather than Epicquest, and now it was no longer an option. (It was my choice to make, not a mistake, but a choice that God honored...) I grew discouraged and then cried out, “What now, Lord?” In a moment, He laid a hand on me and pointed me to a room. There was a desk and a lamp and I was writing on a yellow notepad. The Lord seemed to say to me, “Write… write what I tell you.” I later recounted this vision to my pastor Michael… but for some reason I stopped at the campfire scene. I told Michael that the door to going to unreached tribes had been open but was now closed, at least for now. Two weeks later, we were at a church conference and the Lord pressed it on my heart to pray for Michael. I walked over, laid my hands on him and began to praise God… I prayed for about 10 minutes until I was exhausted. As I closed the prayer, Michael looked me directly in the eyes and said, “I received your prayer but I didn’t hear a word you prayed. As you were praying, I saw a vision of you sitting at a desk, writing on a yellow notepad. The Lord wants you to know your writing honors His Name and you should continue.”

I was standing on a farm, making a phone call on my cell phone. We were under a pavilion with open sides and one of my friends was there with me. As the phone was ringing, a terrible screeching sound, like the emergency broadcast signal but louder, started coming through my phone. I then realized it was a ringing in my ears, only much louder than I had ever experienced. I moved quickly to the edge of the building to see the sky turn a crimson color and the trees and grass around me caught fire. The sky appeared as if a hand was pressing in, like when someone presses in on a tent wall. Airplanes flying overhead suddenly went down in flaming tailspins, as if swatted by the hands bulge. I turned to look at my friend, who was afraid and running for cover. I screamed, “Look up! LOOK UP!” but it was no use, he was full of terror. I saw the sky begin to open up in an awful display of fire and light as my body began to be lifted from the ground… I turned to watch my friend slam the pavilion door. With a shake, I awoke in my bed covered in sweat, my heart racing and overwhelmed with a feeling of complete fear and awe.

I was standing in a chapel with brown walls wearing a tuxedo… and then I saw her. It was all incredibly clear in my dream. Dressed simply, she did not look like a girl I would normally be attracted to… she had an average body with an attractive, but not uncommon face… these thoughts occurred to me, as if I was watching myself… watching myself standing there, completely captivated by her. I admired her authentic, lasting beauty, beyond her appearance, and I sensed a deep, warm love I have never known. I do not remember seeing the walls again. I walked a few steps down the aisle and hugged her closely. I whispered something in her ear. I could feel her smile as she pulled herself close and rested her head on my chest. With that, she seemed to say, “I’ll follow you anywhere, through anything, to the glory of God.” I realized we were in a wedding, our wedding… and this was my wife. I can recall vague details about her appearance. But it wasn’t her appearance that caught me… it was her spirit, which I didn’t see in my dream, but somehow was very conscience of... a gentle spirit that emanated for miles around. Playful and witty but not overbearing – a spirit that truly sees people… a Romans 15 spirit… a 1 Corinthians 6:7 spirit. Selfless and wild. She was a sunken ship that had been raised and repaired to its full glory and now sailed confidently before her Maker and fellow man. I woke up and knew the Lord perfectly provides.

God speaking through dreams is mentioned over 98 times in the New and Old Testaments: Dream Verses
And visions almost 50 times… Jesus has risen and still speaks!

Heart above the Head

2006-02-14T22:51:00.000-08:00

I’ve received some concerned emails over the past couple of months, wondering where I’ve been and why I hadn’t posted anything since November 27th, 2005. First of all, I’m sorry – but no, I didn’t get put in the hospital or get married or renounce my faith or anything crazy like that... I was in a different season of my walk with Jesus. It was not a time for theology or reflection. It was not an easy time and was not always fun. It was a time of warfare. And it wasn’t the strategy side of warfare either. I was deep in the muddy trenches.

Let me explain. We’re in the middle of a war, right? You hear preachers talk about this all the time. But, it’s not a war against the abortionists or the Terrorists or the neighbor that steals your paper.... It’s not a war against other people at all – it’s just not. A lot of us need to let go of that idea – we’re not in a holy war against other races, against people who speak other languages or even those who believe other things about God or god or gods. It’s a war alright, but against “the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.” (Eph 6:12) And our enemy is intelligent, deceptive and absolutely ruthless. Over the past two months, I have seen a darker force ruling this earth than I had ever imagined. A force that conceals himself – so that, like a black hole, you only know he’s there by the absence of Light. And you only know he’s gone when the Light breaks through, by the name of Jesus and the power of faithful prayer.

If you’ve ever read The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis or This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti, you at least have an idea of what I’m talking about. He is set on disrupting the plans of our Father. He will stop at nothing –your finances, your health, your logic, your mind, your emotions, your doctrine, your family, your job… all open to attack. He will make you feel sick for three weeks straight. He will give you headaches you can’t explain. You’ll wreck your truck. He’ll try to pull you from community. Your greatest temptations will be laid before your face. Most of all, he’ll whisper disobedience into your mind.

This whole story began when I was drawn into prayer beginning early December of last year – I didn’t know why, but I spent every night for a week and a half, coming home from work and praying and worshipping God for hours. During that time, I sensed the Lord’s Spirit (which I will write more about later) was preparing me for a difficult time. Shortly afterward, my friend offered me a job in which I would leave GE to work in an agriculture start-up business in East Texas. I began praying that God would lead me – and that, if it was His will, He would confirm it at least three times. Over the next two weeks, God confirmed this path almost two dozen times. My family, my friends, everyone seemed to support this as well… which is crazy, since it is definitely not a “logical, stable career move.” There was a lot going into this decision, which I can also write about later, but I sensed very early that this was going to stir a lot of warfare from the evil one. The enemy resists you when you become a threat.

I could write the full story of all the attacks I faced – in which I felt like Marlow in Heart of Darkness. Instead, I’ll talk about the most difficult, surprising and potentially damaging trick the enemy tried… he tried to get me to be disobedient by appealing to my ‘sense of decency.’ I made my decision to leave, prayed about the date I would give my notice – and it came up February 6th. A Monday. Shortly after I made that decision, I found out our company’s annual three-day leadership meeting would be held the Tuesday-Thursday of the week before – and I was going. About a week later, two weeks before the leadership meeting, an executive at one of our large customers emails my region manager to tell him they “refuse to work with [GE employee name here] any more – he is not our man, give us someone else.” So, my branch manager, ops manager and region manager call me into their office, paint the grim story of this troubled account and say, “Brad, we have no one else to take this customer – will you handle it until we can find a permanent replacement?” It was the first time I had ever hesitated at accepting an opportunity – in a matter of 5 seconds I had to decide which was better: telling them “no,” leading them to ask ‘why not’ and having to explain, well, I was quitting… or, saying “yes,” taking the account and doing my best for the couple of weeks I had it… I wanted to say no, but my gut told me to say yes. I did. I left feeling like I was not being fair to GE, that I should not shoulder that responsibility for only four weeks, only to turn it over again… I felt like crap inside, honestly. Now, fast forward to the leadership meeting… Take a guess at what the primary topic of the week was -- that’s right: employee retention! For three days I got to talk about how to retain our employees, when I was in fact quitting on Monday. I even sat next to the HR manager for all of GE Supply at dinner one night. Awesome. Again, I felt like scum. This entire time, from the moment I heard about the dates of the leadership meeting until late January, I felt like abandoning my chosen date and telling them early. It seemed like the only decent and responsible thing to do.

In making that decision, I spent an entire Saturday in prayer and fasting – seeking God’s will in all of this. It was a hard day. The enemy was warring against me. I was distracted, I couldn’t think straight, I felt tired… but there was a moment in prayer, when suddenly God clearly told me: ‘Brad, you’re under attack -- Stick to your path.’ So I did. I’m not going to pretend to know why Feb 6th was the date – but I do know that God brought forth a mighty victory because I was obedient. Not only did I get to share my heart for over 30 minutes with five of my key bosses, but at the end of the discussions, the president of the business told me that he ‘respected what I was doing’ and that if ‘I ever needed a job, you have my cell phone – just call me up.’ Additionally, he left the door open for me to return to the program if the company goes under. Is God good or what?

I chose to write about this as my first entry since coming out of this tough time because I truly believe that knowing the reality of who we are fighting against is the first step to being able to effectively fight and claim the victory God has already won. Calling on Jesus, staying close to Him and following in humility is the whole of the strategy to take… I thought about titling this entry “wisdom is not enough,” because, in battle, its only one of the tools you need for victory – along with the word of God, the Spirit of God and a community of support and prayer. Instead, I called it “heart above the head” because a lot of the two months were spent on my knees in prayer, bent over with my head physically lower than my heart – asking for simple things, like strength for the day, light for my path, God’s protection and offering worship to a holy God. That is where true spiritual warfare is done (prayer), simply because of the nature of your true enemy (ephesians 6:12). Praying in that position was a way of reminding me that I am to live primarily from my heart in obedience to God, not my logical head or emotions alone.

Lord, help us to see this is not a war against people. Teach us, through Him, the Holy Spirit, who teaches all things, how to fight against the darkness who rule this world. Lord, I am weak because I have seen the power of the darkness – but you are my rod and my staff. Father, You command the demons and they shutter at your precious Name. You, Lord, are my shepherd and I shall not fear. Lord, I will bow in humility, with my heart above my head.

Economics of Charity

2005-11-27T15:46:00.000-08:00

I recently heard a sermon on the principle of tithing, or giving 10% of your gross income, to the church. The Old Testament law stated the first 10% of your income belongs to the Lord; it even spoke of anything less as stealing from God. (Genesis 14:18-20, Genesis 28:20-22, Numbers 18:21, Numbers 18:25-31, Deuteronomy 14:22-26, Deuteronomy 14:28-29, Malachi 3:10, Luke 11:42) Now, I know we are no longer under that law; we are no longer held to the law of tithing just as we are no longer required to sacrifice bulls for our sins, as Christ fulfilled the whole law (Matt 5:17). However, God did write the law for a reason and many principles are contained in them so that we would be saved from pain and/or be prosperous (Joshua 1:8). So, with that and Matt 6:21 in mind, I decided to do some research on the power of the law of tithing as it would be, if followed, in the United States. Here we go:

The average household income is $42,228 at 109,297,000 households for a total of $4,615,393,716,000.00 in annual personal income in the United States. Let’s assume, as a nation under God, that the citizens of the United States tithe as a whole, out of a love for God. The annual tithe from this group comes to about $461,539,371,600.00. (Actual estimates of annual church giving in the U.S. comes to about $17,200,000,000 or about 2.5% of the active church attendees after tax dollars, not gross income, or first fruits. (Deut 18:4)) Now, tithes are supposed to be used to run the church, pay the clergy, etc – so let’s say we decide that as a nation, 75% of our tithe, or $346,154,528,700.00, is needed to run our churches. In other words, under this assumption, the annual budget for Christian churches in the U.S. would be 20 times greater than their current budget. However, to be fair, since we are assuming that every household in the U.S. is tithing, we should also assume they are now all attending church (roughly tripling the number of Christian church attendees), thereby raising the churches overall annual budget requirements. (As in all persuasive estimations, I want to remain on the conservative side at all times.) Okay, after all that, we now we have a number: $115,384,842,900.00, which is the remaining 25%, after church expenses, of the United States tithe. From now on, we will lovingly refer to this dollar value as The Offering.

There are approximately 777,000,000 undernourished or starving people in the world, 194,000,000 of which are in Africa. Based on estimates from Mercy Corps and World Vision, it costs an average of $1/day to feed and give medical treatment to one person in Africa. If our giving equaled The Offering, we would be able to provide at least $1.63 per malnourished person in Africa every day, as long as we continue to give. To sum this up, the citizens of the United States, by offering a tithe, could wipe out starvation and curable disease in Africa as we know it. And that’s just the United States. Imagine if “High Standard of Living” households in Europe, Japan and Australia joined in as well. Starvation could be wiped out in India and Asia.

Let me take a little aside here… because I think these numbers are actually more powerful than they seem. Most poverty experts in Africa, Asia and India will agree that, except in very rare and extreme cases, starvation is not due to a lack of food. More often, it is due to the inability to move resources from one region to another because of a poor infrastructure. In other words, roads, bridges, trucks and rail stand in the way of curing world hunger more than weather, disease, thieves or food scarcity. If we were to invest in the infrastructure (longterm) with our tithe, rather than the short term of providing food – we may even teach a man to fish: Africa could feed itself. I realize I’m being very naïve in regards to the political instability, drought and the lack of agricultural knowledge in the region – but I think we could do a lot to affect the area with money and investment – as long as smarter people than me are in control of allocating the resources.

Ten percent. I know that’s a lot. But, I think in many cases, we need to see things from a slightly different perspective. “The earth is the Lord’s, and every thing in it, the world, and all who live in it…” (Psalm 24:1) and “‘The silver is mine and the gold is mine,’ declares the Lord Almighty” (Haggai 2:8). It’s all His. And, we, as children under grace, do not have to give tithe, even from what does not truly belong to us. God does not want us to give out of a desire to earn our salvation, to earn favor or blessings (though they seem to always abound) or out of compulsion. "Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." (2 Corin 9:7) American materialism tells us we always need more – more car, more apartment, more clothes, more investment… we’re so good at storing treasure on earth where it will rot, meanwhile we are not storing anything in heaven, where it will last for eternity. I should add that in the early Christian (that’s post resurrection, new covenant churches) 10% tithe was assumed and considered the “floor” of their giving levels. 10% may just mean driving a Saturn instead of whatever is in your garage now… Lowering our standard of excessive living (relative to the rest of the world) by just 10% could completely change the world… it could wipe out starvation. When I ran these numbers, I assumed total U.S. participation – but if only the current Christian church attendees gave at this level, what an amazing difference we could make! The temporary and diminishing returns we would have received from buying that “new thing” could turn into eternal rewards. But, don’t wait on the rest of the world to answer this call, “be the change you want to see in the world.” -- Gandhi.

Finally, 1 Cor. 13:3 says “And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.” Giving, then, should only be a response to the love shown us when our inequities fell on Christ. It should be an outpouring of love onto the “least of these.” (Matt 25:45)

Sources: 2001 Census, The State of Church Giving Through 1998, Mercy Corps, World Vision, CIA World Factbook, Association of Statisticians of American Religious Bodies

Of Noble Character

2005-11-19T20:24:00.000-08:00

I guess I’m ready to write this. Writing is hard because, when you’re real, it means you have to be vulnerable. It’s not natural, but it is freeing. I also kinda didn't want to publish this, but I've had it in the wings for a couple of months now, so it needed to be released. I apologize in advance for the length of this entry – no one wants to read a book when they expect a blog entry…. I mean, that’s the beauty of a blog: short and to the point. Or short and pointless. Or just short – because short, of course, requires little commitment – and that’s what our generation loves. If it’s painful, at least you know it will be over soon – but with commitment, you must accept pain as a part of the journey. And in true commitment, the journey becomes what you seek, not just “the point.” That sounds so un-American, doesn’t it? But I'm straying from the topic… One thing I will deliver is a painful, pointless, beautiful, honest, committed, journey filled entry – but it will not be short. Sorry.

The honest truth is I want to meet someone who gives me a sort of amnesia when it comes to my desires for an “ideal mate.” After I meet her, I want to look back at this entry and laugh… a little… the way I laughed when I found my autobiography I wrote in second grade. So much of it was still so true about me – but I had progressed so far since, once my dreams met reality. My childhood dreams, I saw, were far too short-sighted in view of God’s already determined intentions for my life. But, I was content to desire those things at the time – they were all I could see from where I was standing. My vision is far greater and expectations far higher now that I’m more mature – but I expect them to change even more as the Day approaches.

the spirit, heart and mind
I love hippies. Not because of the drugs, “free love,” bad hygiene or unshaven pits – more because of the free spirit. The spirit that says, “I’m in.” That doesn’t care about having or having not, about the discomfort and uncertainty that comes with adventure or about what the celebrities are doing (pet peeve). That looks upon, sees, people with interest, with love, with patience. That stands for her convictions, in protest, but would prefer unity and peace if possible. She doesn’t care what kind of car she drives, or that I drive, for that matter. A spirit that is playful and silly and courageous. And she doesn’t have to be conservative, liberal or moderate. In fact, I’d rather her not be any of those. I’d rather her have been conformed so much to the likeness of Christ, that she’s liberal when He is, conservative when He is and moderate when it just doesn’t matter.

And I love the free spirit, not because it’s “unattached” or “independent,” even though it seems to be, but because it is powerfully “attached” and “dependent;” only not to the things of the world, but to Christ. That is true freedom. I love it because it makes one completely available to God and unavailable to the world… She does not have a plan that says we will live in a house that looks like this or the kids will play this sport or we’ll have this dog, this car or live in this city. A woman that does not want to rule, or plot everything out, but just walk forward in an adventure, a journey, that is uncertain, unclear and wild. A woman who gets her security, freedom and comfort only in the messiah named Jesus the Christ and who is willing to follow a man, who follows the same God. This level of security is evident in the way she talks, dresses, acts, works, plays and follows me. And, she’s not afraid to call me out when I’m wrong.

Creative and artistic, she lives from the heart. She’s been hurt before, because she is open, but that hasn’t made her hard hearted. She is ready and able to be intimate with people in a pure way, because she in intimate with God in a real way. Judgment simply does not exist in her heart, because she lives for God’s approval alone, and does not need to gossip or think ill of others. Her mouth is full of praise and encouragement.

the soul
I’d love to meet a woman that would love and serve Jesus in obedience, even if she knew hell was her final destination. That doesn’t serve only out of gratitude for salvation, but primarily out of love for a beautiful God, her Master, Friend and Savior. Someone who has known and seen the brokenness of her soul, yet she lives in the reality of her redeemed, full and abundant life; she is open and honest in her struggles, void of pride and certain that she is working out her salvation in the context of an eternal life, which has already begun. A woman who does not believe everything the world tells her she should be – but only believes, from the heart, what God’s Word says she is… And she doesn’t watch Oprah, Sex and the City or Desperate Housewives. (Another pet peeve, I guess.) I’m not talking about a finished work here, but an “in process” reality.

the body
Our society makes it out to be superficial to desire physical beauty in a mate – while at the same time, it silently worships that same beauty above any other qualities. Especially in American culture – how many ugly people do you see on TV or in movies? How much more do you value a person who is really good looking over someone who is just plain? Honestly? The reason I put this quality last because I struggle with its place in my heart… that I don’t want it to be first, however I do want to be honest about its place in my life. I want a beautiful wife and it’s hard for me deal with, because it shouldn’t matter that much, right?

But it does. I feel a little guilty about that being even part of the reason I'm not interested in someone, but I've come to the conclusion that, right or wrong, I simply can’t date them if that is the case. I couldn’t date her because, if I did not consider her beautiful, then I was doing her a deep disservice by dating – because another man, better than me, would not do her that disservice. I want her to know she is beautiful and I want her to feel free to make every attempt to be beautiful for me – how could either be true if I didn’t believe it?

Now is about the time I could start listing all the qualities I’m attracted to, but I won’t… instead, I’ll just say that I like someone who is “cute” and “beautiful” rather than “hot” (don’t act like you don’t know the difference). That doesn’t wear a pound of make-up. That is not taller or stronger than me. That is innocent and modest. That is a lady of noble character. That treats her body as a temple, stays in shape but is not rail thin.

Maybe she doesn’t exist. Maybe I’m way off. And I could be -- but until one of those statements are proven true, I will be content being single. Unless, of course, I find her… then I’ll snatch her up before some other hairy-legged punk. I hope this didn't seem like a personal ad -- it's really not. I really just wanted to lay out what I see when I think about a Godly woman, despite cultural traditions. Right now, I am content because I know that I am being held in God’s holy and powerful hand. Lord, help me with the part of me that is not content – that covets. Help me to be pure. Teach me to wait on, and be content in, You.

Lies and Betrayal

2005-11-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

cheap grace fraud, saved not to be
Accuser paints, daily mural for me
what i did, thought and denied ago
on his mural, ashamed, i stand alone

writing on the wall, echoes of a fall
iron mixed with clay, standing fragile
a far cry from the head of gold
long since forgotten, truth be told

fact and lie, blinding facts and lies
spread the canvas, floods my eyes
the Power, which i do not call upon
cares to shed forth Light; as a pawn

i move to his piper tunes, blind mice
with a cross on hand, slow and nice
biting the tail ahead, on perdition trail
forgetting to look upon the betrayal

for what it is. a lie told, since adam
took hold his apple, slaying the Lamb
the stiff brush drops, from my grasp
at my feet of gold, strong and at last

i see the True Vine, from who i am
washing and drying, a Humble Lamb
i cry ‘Worship,’ my only response to
a God who serves a made new shrew

living streams, sweep the canvas aside
reveal deep waters, reflecting my inside:
a new creation, the old has passed away;
a new life, more abundant unto the Day.

Community

2005-11-02T21:37:00.000-08:00

“And let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more, as you see the day drawing near.” Heb 10:24-25

I’ve become convinced that it is simply impossible to be a walking Christian without community. That’s not what the world tells us – in the world, it’s all about your “personal faith” or “private beliefs.” You don’t even have to attend church on Sunday to claim Christ, much less be deeply woven into a community of believers. I used to say, in my desire to avert religion, that you could be a Christian without going to church. I still believe that. You can be a Christian without ever stepping foot into a church building. But, you absolutely can not walk with the Lord without stepping out with commitment into a group, a community, a gathering of believers. You absolutely can not have all that God has for you – intimacy, growth, encouragement, selflessness, devotion, commitment, love, patience, peace, joy, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. You can’t dive deeply into the Kingdom of Heaven unless you are holding the hands of, being led by and leading God’s children. We are one body, brought to life by the Blood and moved and activated by His Spirit. Moving as one body.

Don’t be fooled. You can be a church attendee and have no community. If church is about checking off a list or if your deepest conversations go this far: “Hey, how ya doing?” Then, you have something in common with the residents of hell. You are alone. You are not in community. You are right where Satan wants you – divided, so you can be conquered. Brother, don’t put yourself in that place.

Maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe. I’m only writing like this because I have been there. I’ve bounced from church to church. I’ve made many surface church friends. No more, Lord. I have committed to walk as Jesus did – and he was always in community and always, always deeply in love with his church. I’ve experienced, for the first time, a true love for the church. Love that makes me want to carry a cross and be hung for the sake of the Body. Don’t get me wrong. I am scared right now. I’ve asked God for months to remove any comfort I have that is not Him – and He is answering. Recently, I’ve asked God to take me as far as He wants to take me. Scary. And, over the past month, God has shown me how very little I know about Him. I have experienced things of the Holy Spirit I’m not ready to write about – simply because I don’t understand. I don’t understand – but meanwhile, all the things I had in my head about God have been transplanted into my heart. And it has changed everything.

Stepping into community is scary, I know. You may be rejected. You may be hurt. You may not feel comfortable. And these are all legitimate concerns because you’re dealing with humans. Entering it is perilous territory, but staying out is damning. Let me add this important disclaimer. I’m not saying you will lose your salvation or that you never had that free gift if you are out of community. I am only saying, get into community – your abundant life depends on it!

Come, Holy Spirit. Fill me up. Thank you for creating us for community. Help me to love the church, even with its flaws, as You love the church. The day is drawing near, Lord. The birthpains are growing closer together. Praise your Name! Amen.

On a side note, I thought it was kind of funny that the entries "Hell" and "Community" ended up right next to each other -- as they are diametrically opposed to one another. Satan wants you alone -- he, not God, gives you the anxiety that prevents you from stepping into a community. "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

For more on this, read Acts 2 or “Life Together” by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Hell

2005-10-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

"... the surest source of destruction to men is to obey themselves." John Calvin

"Whereas the primal relationship of man to man is a giving one, in the state of sin it is purely demanding. Every man exists in a state of complete voluntary isolation; each man lives his own life, instead of all living the same God-life." Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"Thus no one chooses in the abstract to go to hell or even to be the kind of person who belongs there. But their orientation toward self leads them to become the kind of person for whom away-from-God is the only place for which they are suited. It is a place they would, in the end, choose for themselves, rather than come to humble themselves before God and accept who He is. Whether or not God's will is infinitely flexible, the human will is not. There are limits beyond which it cannot bend back, cannot return or repent.

"One should seriously inquire if to live in a world permeated with God and the knowledge of God is something they themselves truly desire. If not, they can be assured that God will excuse them from His presence. They will find their place in the "outer darkness" of which Jesus spoke. But the fundamental fact about them will not be that they are there, but that they have become people so locked in their own self-worship and denial of God that they cannot want God." Dallas Willard

To Be Loved

2005-10-23T14:22:00.000-07:00

Lately, God has been revealing something fundamental in the human soul that I’ve never really noticed before: our intrinsic desire to be loved. It’s the primary reason for everything we do… planted there, I believe, by God – but often “watered” with strange solutions that evaporate, kill and rot. From billboards with half-naked women and beer advertisements that declare “This Bud’s for you” but really mean “Drink this and beautiful, half-naked women will love you” to car advertisements that show little of the cars features but overtly suggest how satisfied it will make you; the advertisements clearly show it’s not the car’s features that make the sale, its how the car makes you feel. And why do we want a car, of all things, to make us feel anything? Why do we want make-up or beer or a Vice-President title or a round of applause? Why do some work jobs they will never love, just to put food on the table – while others work 80 hours in a week to reach that “big promotion?”

My answer: love. The desire to be loved by your family, your friends and your co-workers…. who all have one thing in common: They’re human and they will die. Please don’t get me wrong – desiring to be loved is not wrong. And certainly, doing things out of love for others is not a bad thing at all. It’s good. But, that human love will never replace the full and eternal love of God. Lord, why is this so hard for me to understand?

You can see it all around (and within) you; the desperate scratching and clawing for an ounce of pure, real love that no car, no man, no woman and no thing can provide. And the whole world is screaming for it! They’re dying -- no, killing themselves – just to get some. They spend hours getting ready to “go out” in the hopes they will attract love – they spend years buying bigger homes and amassing wealth so that sometime, somewhere, someone will say, “Look at him. Wow.”

“If I could just get that dress, or if he would just call, or if I just had this much money, or if I could just write that book… if I were that, then surely I would be loved. Surely that love would give me rest.” It’s so obvious, it SCREAMS from every insane move that we make! We workout for hours a week to look good – why? Is it really for our health? Maybe that’s part of the reason, but why is working out so much more of a priority for single young adults than married 45 year olds? The 45 year olds are the ones who should be concerned about their health! It’s not about health – it’s about being loved. The young adult wants someone to take notice and love.

What a powerful desire implanted in us – and what a strange way we try to satisfy it! We beat ourselves up and sacrifice even our lives for the mere hope of lasting, true love. Romeo and Juliet showed us that! Why do we identify with that story? Why do we all want to fall that desperately in love – even to the point of dying? It’s so strikingly beautiful and so awfully sad at the same time.

In most cases I’ve seen, the reason a girl gives her virginity to her boyfriend is that he promised his love will come with the act. But it doesn’t – it just brings more emptiness and shallow devotion. And the digression begins. The love we so eagerly pursued was not attained – and instead, we lose hope. If we can’t have love, we’ll have bitterness. At least bitterness is guaranteed.

Imagine, just for a moment, that all of our clawing and scratching stopped. No more flashy clothes and hairstyles, no more status symbols, no more grasping for straws. Imagine if we knew, deep in our core, that we were loved. Imagine if we no longer had to get approval – because we were already approved. Imagine if our restlessness gave in to rest. What if, we no longer had to look good to be worthy of love? What if, we no longer had to be successful to be satisfied? What if God’s love was enough? What if you could do anything you wanted with your life – because God loves you and you love Him. We’re all dying and willing to die and sacrifice for love that fades – why not die for Christ’s sake and live in the reality of His true, lasting love?

Lord, teach me to love others out of a response to the love you have for me -- not because I desire to be loved in return. Fill my desire to be loved. Teach me to stop grasping for straw intimacy and move deeper into your Throne Room. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

Fragrant

2005-10-12T20:20:00.000-07:00

“and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 5:2

The Holy Spirit is like a smoke that descends into a house of prayer. (Isaiah 6:4) A fragrant cloud of love and mystery filling and expanding to every cavity, as smoke can, pressing the temple walls. Thickening from the incendiary heart that worships "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of His glory." Thickening to dispel fleshes provisions, the root of my struggle. Pulling the reins of “Brother Ass” in an exhale of offering I share in joy with my joint-heir, Jesus the Christ. Billowing out from the windows of my soul and the door of my heart onto Broadway; the fragrance covers the gutters of fallen creation and the cobblestone of hardened souls. Roughshod over cobblestone rides the prince of this world wielding weapon slicing smoke, prowling for flesh to claim. A breath, Yahweh, from the cold stone rising to enter His Throneroom. “Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty.” Lord, may my fragrance be only that of Christ -- so thick that I can not even be seen or heard. Selah. Amen.

Baptism

2005-10-09T13:46:00.000-07:00

There is a tremendous amount of things that I do not know about God– and even some things which “I know” that may not be correct. How ridiculous is it for a Christian to think all of his/her beliefs about God are perfect? The truth is, all of us unknowingly carry false or incomplete beliefs. Lord help me to go forward in confidence with what I do know, while remaining flexible and humble enough to be wrong, be taught and be changed.

I was baptized as an infant – with the commitment from my family to “raise me up in the Lord.” A commitment which, I believe, was honored by my extended family over the years. It wasn’t until I was 17 years old that I accepted Jesus as my savior – and several years after that when my commitment became real – or, I started walking with the Lord. At that time, I made a commitment to walk as Jesus did (1 John 2:6).

For about two years I really wrestled with baptism. What is it? What does it do? Why? What does the water do? It seemed like religion to me. I searched the scripture and saw the baptism of the Spirit, a baptism I had received, as the necessary reality that has brought me to the intimacy I enjoy with Jesus. Why, with the Holy Spirit and a relationship with Jesus, did I need the water? Additionally, many ministers and pastors I spoke with agreed that I had in fact been baptized and another dunking wasn’t necessary. After all, I didn’t want to do anything for religion’s sake – only for Christ’s sake. Besides, so many false beliefs circle around this subject, such as being associated with salvation or the false idea that water “washes sins off,” that I didn’t even want to touch it.

But baptism again rose as a subject this weekend (several years later), when it was mentioned at a retreat– in passing, really – but it stirred something that made me want to search. I believed I was right, but I also didn’t want to ever close the door on the Truth. I went to the scriptures and read about Jesus’ baptism in Mathew 3. What caught my heart was when John tried to deter him, Jesus said that it must be done in order to “fulfill all righteousness.” Not to be saved, not to receive the Holy Spirit, but to fulfill all righteousness.

My friend also pointed to a lot of scripture concerning baptism, scripture I was very familiar with but didn’t lead me to believe that my baptism needed to be redone. We did, however, pray that the Holy Spirit would reveal His will. He (the Spirit) led me to an intimate exchange with God that I can’t articulate really, but in that I asked God to show me why I should be baptized. I just didn’t want to do it because of church tradition or religion and I certainly refused to accept that I was somehow “incomplete” without baptism. The Blood made me complete.

During a time of meditation, I walked around the outside of the room reflecting on some stations that called us to contemplate on who Jesus is… at the last station, there was a pair of sandals with the verse “Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.” 1 John 2:6. At that, the picture of Christ’s baptism flashed in my mind and, almost at once, I understood that baptism was simply a part of fulfilling my commitment to “walk as Jesus did.” To fulfill all righteousness, as Jesus said.

For this reason, I was baptized as a believer this morning in the swimming pool at the Salvation Army retreat center near Midlothian, Texas. Praise Jesus. I believe there is some aspect of baptism I still do not understand – specifically the role it plays in “dying to myself,” my greatest desire. However, I do believe God will bless obedience and submissiveness to His will. Amen.

Shame

2005-09-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

Saints are sinners that keep going. – St. Augustine

One of my biggest roadblocks to Christ is shame. I often look back on my past not with a healthy contrition, but a dose of shame. Shame that is not of God. To make matters worse, all around me I watch as Christians, churches and non-believers approach Christianity as if a follower has to be a perfect human being – always polite, always well groomed and always, always smiling. No matter what, you must smile. Saying things like “I’ll be praying for you” or “Bless you,” is expected, even when you don’t mean it. You have to be a “nice guy” and you certainly shouldn’t struggle with sin. Just a few things they never say but often mean; as man looks on the outside of things, God looks at the heart.

As a result, many quit the race, and even fewer start, because of the burden on the believer to “have it all together” – and in place of that level of perfection, many who remain compensate by covering their sins. This covering of sins only adds to the world’s perception that Christianity is only an act.

Without question, perfection should be our aim -- but a culture that does not treat "sin struggles" with understanding, patience and love destroys the openness the community was intended to provide. After all, what is community if it’s not a support system for encouraging each other to continue the honest pursuit of Christ? In fact, instead of openness, we in the church find ourselves holding stones instead of forgiveness – adding to the weight of shame. We don’t encourage the prostitute to “go and sin no more,” we talk about how shameful she is. The stones we hold today aren’t rocks – but looks, snide comments and exclusion. We exclude the sinners from the church -- as if we ourselves are blameless apart from Christ.

Nowhere else is this more true today than in the church’s dealings with homosexuals. I look out and see the church taking two terrible extremes: condemning and condoning. The conservative churches say such terrible things against homosexuals that none would dare step foot in the doors -- shaming the sinner for sinning. The liberal churches, however, seem to say you can be a practicing homosexual and at the same time a follower of Christ.

In my opinion, both have terrible consequences. Christ did not come to heal the well, but the sick. The church’s mission today is to offer that healing through Christ rather than take potshots at specific groups of sinners. Imagine if a doctor condemned you for being sick? Would you ever go back to that doctor? At the same time, no one can remain who they are after deciding to follow Christ. Even “good” people. You, and everything in your flesh, must be crucified and die so that Christ may live in you. Homosexuality, love of money, lust, anger, jealousy and all other sins must be abandoned for Christ’s sake. Not once -- every day. And everyday our aim should be to pursue the grace of God and be a means of grace for others. One of the toughest questions I face is how to make clear the path for sinners to meet with the only God who can redeem them. In other words, how do you love the sinner without condoning the sin?

Through all this, I’ve found it true that the more Christ-like I become, the greater consumer of grace I am. I need grace to hold me up in righteousness, every day, in every moment. I will never be “there.” I will never be above temptation or stumbling – I will never be “good” as God is good. But one thing is for sure, I can not allow the fact that I am “not good” to stop or discourage me from approaching the holy and dangerous God I serve. I can, in fact, approach God with the confidence that my sins, though shameful, have been forgiven and forgotten because of the Son. I only wish we could all approach the American church with that same confidence.

'Burn Again'

2005-09-24T16:21:00.000-07:00

“Too late came I to love you, O you beauty so ancient and so fresh, yes too late came I to love you. And behold, you were with me, and I out of myself, where I made search for you: in my ugliness I rushed headlong upon those beautiful things you have made. You were indeed with me; but I was not with you: these beauties kept me far enough from you: even those, which unless they were in you, would not be at all. You called and cried unto me, you even broke open my deafness: you discovered your beams and shone unto me, and chased away my blindness: you did most fragrantly blow upon me, and I drew in my breath and I pant after you; I tasted thee, and now do hunger and thirst after you; you didst touch me, and I even burn again to enjoy your peace.” – Confessions, St. Augustine

Lord, here’s my prayer tonight: give me no provisions but your voice. Take away any comfort I have that you have not given me through your grace. I don’t want it. To this, my flesh trembles and my Spirit shines.

God's Tear

2005-09-22T19:45:00.000-07:00

sometimes it just doesn't make sense in prose...

excruciating pain of a loss
an intimate friend who left
a love lost and moved on
to bed with another less than.

struck deep in void darkness and
willfully broken and stripped,
thorned and pierced by gold,
stable and nails to reach out

upward groans, not to be taken
but to be took, took by the lost
God’s tear and salt and pain not
for His wounds, but the wounded.

pains, birth pains, for dead jesters
alive for a world, dead in The Court
holding onto coin to drop the cross
God’s tear of salt and pain not lost…

lost on me, a deep pain drives sure
a laborious hurt and anguish that
drowns the voice of the world, a
tear of salt and pain to drown it all.

A Step Missed

2005-09-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever walked down an old familiar flight of stairs, just to reach the bottom, miss a step and tumble to the floor? Naturally, I’m a klutz, so it’s not an uncommon feeling for me – but I experience this feeling in more than steps. Today, I led my first bible study group since college – in college, I led a lot of discussions, with lots of partners, in lots of settings, but tonight – tonight was different. It felt like my first time, all over again. I made the same silly mistakes, I was nervous, I didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t bare the silence… and my partner, I didn’t allow her to shine the way she could… God help me for thinking I know what I’m doing… God help me for thinking my doctrine is perfect. Lord, help me to give you the group and the message and the glory. Jesus, help me to hear your voice. II Corinthians 3:5.

I came home from this learning experience and my apartment door was decorated with ducks and flowers and wreaths and my doormat had been “stolen” and moved to my neighbor Billie’s apartment. I started to walk over and heard a loud scream -- I rushed inside to see thick smoke and uncontrollable laughter. Billie had burned her steak and my other neighbor, Dawn, was over for dinner. I stayed for an hour or so, but listened as God opened a conversation with a hurting and dying friend that night. At the moment I felt most awkward and inadequate, God seemed to say “Don’t worry about you. Your anxiety is mine. Your leadership, your talents, your discipleship, even your faith is mine. Don’t worry about the words or what people think or being wrong. I love you – and I’m going to use you. Trust me – my hands are capable.” I believe that, but man, how anxious am I in the storm? I so want to lead and to witness – but how uncomfortable, how scary is it to put myself “out there.” And yet, just after I had missed that step, in my humility and brokenness, God presented his eternal opportunity to love the unloved. And He moved.

Daddy, you have given me a broken and anguished heart beyond my understanding. I can’t feel “normal” anywhere – I can’t help but ache when I see the hurt and pain that sin causes in your creation. Help me Father, not to succumb to that same sin that I grieve over. Help me to trust you. Help me to get over myself, get beyond myself, beyond my fear and wear your anguished heart that I feel in the closet when I step out in the open. Help my heart to stay at the bottom of the steps, broken and humble, available for you to lead me back up. God, the enemy doesn’t want me to get back up or bear fruit – help me, Father.

I have so much I want to write about -- lots of doctrine and ideas and theology, things I've thought about on long drives -- but all I can write is what you got above. It's hard to focus on the "classroom" when you're in the heat of battle.

Psalm 55

2005-08-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

1 Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;

2 hear me and answer me.
My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught

3 at the voice of the enemy,
at the stares of the wicked;
for they bring down suffering upon me
and revile me in their anger.

4 My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death assail me.

5 Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.

6 I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest-

7 I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
Selah

8 I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm."

9 Confuse the wicked, O Lord, confound their speech,
for I see violence and strife in the city.

10 Day and night they prowl about on its walls;
malice and abuse are within it.

11 Destructive forces are at work in the city;
threats and lies never leave its streets.

12 If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him.

13 But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,

14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

15 Let death take my enemies by surprise;
let them go down alive to the grave, [b]
for evil finds lodging among them.

16 But I call to God,
and the LORD saves me.

17 Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,
and he hears my voice.

18 He ransoms me unharmed
from the battle waged against me,
even though many oppose me.

19 God, who is enthroned forever,
will hear them and afflict them—
Selah
men who never change their ways
and have no fear of God.

20 My companion attacks his friends;
he violates his covenant.

21 His speech is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil,
yet they are drawn swords.

22 Cast your cares on the LORD
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.

23 But you, O God, will bring down the wicked
into the pit of corruption;
bloodthirsty and deceitful men
will not live out half their days.
But as for me, I trust in you.

Be still...

2005-08-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

“God, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to start my own company or buy some rental property or move to Africa or move to California or start a church or start a camp or buy a franchise or go to seminary or go to business school or save more money or give more money away or start dating or get married or become a monk or maybe a priest or join the military or move to Africa – sorry, I already mentioned that one – or pray more or study more or read the bible or read about real estate or exercise more or move apartments or sell my truck or... hmmm, maybe I could buy a new car or get a roommate or clean my apartment… or get more sleep or maybe sleep less…”

Welcome to the mind of Brad for the past 8 weeks. Ever since I started working, my mind has been consumed with everything I’ve ever wanted to do and am not doing now. I come home at lunch and get on my face and plead “God, where are you?” I can barely breathe. I am more confused than ever – and I have not felt God’s peace about much lately. There are so many things I’m passionate about that I want to do – and I keep going to God not to hear his will for my life, but just to build sand castles in my own mind. I read verses like Matthew 8:19-22 and I wonder – “Did I miss the boat? Am I like the scribe? Is that why I’m not in the Philippines right now?” A very low and negative voice whispers, “Yes, you missed it, Brad.”

‘What I want’ has so swallowed me that I’ve literally been rendered neutral in my effectiveness as a soldier for Christ. It has become abundantly clear to me that I have been under Satan’s attack for the past 8 weeks – he’s attacked my mind and used my desires and dreams to tear me away from God’s peace and current mission. The truth is, none of the things I’ve listed above will ever bring me peace or make me content.

Finally, I came back to God and asked the same question with a new heart. “God, my life is yours. What do you want me to do?” and I waited and listened.

“Be still and know that I am God.”
“Be content where you are and trust me.”
“I know the plans I have for you – plans to prosper you.”
“Wait.”
“You are right where I want you – don’t listen to the Liar.”
“I love you and will never leave you.”

God, thank you that you are a God of clarity and wisdom. Confusion and deception are not of you – you are a God of joy and hope and love. Thank you for restoring your peace in me. Help me go to sleep in your hands. I will rest in you – I will be still and know that you are God.

The Great King

2005-08-21T11:49:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a great and powerful King. He lived in a huge, shiny castle with lots of guards, a big giant moat on top of a gianormous mountain. He ruled his kingdom well – as no other king could hope to rule. He knew everything that happened in his land and he enforced the laws with wisdom and strength. He was tough, but he was kind.

Some of the peasants loved and admired the King. “What a great King we have – he commands his army to protect us and provides all that we need, if we work to serve him.” Others say, “Our king is wiser than any other!” and “Praise and honor to our King!”

Other peasants did not like the King. “Great King? What has he done for me? I’ve never even seen him – he just stays in his castle all day and has a great old time – while I’m down here working his fields. I don’t even know if he exists, come to think of it.” And others say, “If he’s so great – why is my mother dying of cancer, anyway?” and “I don’t need the king and his ideas – I’m just fine by myself – thank you.”

As a son of a farmer, and young servant boy, you don’t know what to think of this King. You’ve never met him yourself – and everyone seems to say something different about him. No doubt, this King is the center of discussion.

Then, one day you meet a young boy about your age in the market. He claims to know the King – but given his appearance, you have your doubts. You hang out on the weekends until one day you ask him – “If you know him, can you show me the King?”

He smiles and you follow him through the village, all the way up the mountain and over the cobblestone street to the castle gates. You’ve never been this close – and the castle is even bigger and overwhelming than it seems from the village. As you and your friend approach, the draw bridge opens and all the guards bow down as you pass.

“What a nice gesture,” you think. Until you realize, those guards are not bowing for you, but for your friend. Suddenly, the King appears and picks your friend up joyfully, “Son, welcome home! Who is your friend?” You are introduced and the very King himself greats you with warmth and love and hospitality. You are invited to eat with the King at his table and he shares with you the riches of his kingdom.

Now, as the son of a farmer, you have access to the King. Because you know the Son, you can sit in the King’s courts and learn of his wisdom. You see that the King deeply loves each of his people in the Kingdom – he rejoices over his hardworking and diligent servants and agonizes over his lost and confused peasants. You understand that he would give anything – even your friend, his own son – just so his people would know him and learn to live in his will. You see he is a truly great and wise King – not distant and cold like some say – but as intimate and loving as a father.

As you leave, the King pulls you aside. “You are friends with my Son – now, you are my son as well. Everything I have is yours. Go and invite everyone you know to my castle.”

As you return to the village, you see that nothing has changed. The opinions of the King still vary greatly – but you have met Him – you know Him, you are his son. You invite everyone you know to the castle but few accept the invitation. Few believe you know King – they have known you all their life, and you are just a peasant. But the one thing they can’t deny is that everything about you is suddenly different. Everything about you is aligned to serve the King.

Legalism

2005-08-19T22:21:00.000-07:00

Several months ago, I was sitting in a bible study discussing God’s favor and whether it was ever “okay” to “sin” in order to prevent a “greater evil.” This can be a confusing topic. Several times in the Old Testament, God removed his favor from people because they didn’t have faith and therefore took matters into their own hands. Clearly faith is one of God's primary desires for us. (Part of the issue is defining what is "sin" -- from man's perspective or God's -- but I'll leave that alone).

However, as in most theoretical debates on good and evil, we got on the topic of Nazi Germany. The question was asked, “Would you hide Jews who were being rounded up – if you knew they were being killed?” If so, “What if a government official asked if you had anyone in the house – would you lie?”

“Absolutely!” I said to both questions, without thinking.

“But lying is a sin” someone said. “God removes his favor from those who don’t trust Him and take things into their own hands. Shouldn’t we have faith that God could save anyone he wanted – so instead of telling lies and sinning, we should be truthful and trust God to work?”

“No,” I said. I couldn’t back it up with any scripture at the time, but I just knew I couldn’t look Jesus in the face if I let his children be slaughtered. I went with my gut. “I don’t care if it’s a sin – I’d lie all day long.” That got a couple of raised eyebrows and uneasy laughs.

To this day that conversation has stuck with me – I was one of two in a group of eight that felt like it would be okay to lie in that situation. I can't help but wonder if I was wrong. I don't want to willfully sin -- and in the case above, I don't feel it WOULD be a sin. I just wonder at what point is faith more real: when we say "just sit back and trust God" or "step out and take risks, do everything out of love for God and his people, and if you're wrong, throw yourself at God's grace and mercy."

The former line of reasoning goes like this: “shouldn’t we just trust God to work – if He wants bibles in Saudia Arabia, even though it's illegal, he’ll get them there. Right?" The latter says, "Yea, that’s right – and he’ll use his people to do it." I think its strange how the "hands off" Christian position is often credited as being "faithful" while the person who grabs a rifle and heads to the front lines is "faithless." Faith without works, James says, is dead.

Recently, I read an article about “bible smuggling.” It took head-on the idea that it was “immoral or unchristian to break any law, no matter what.” This is confusing stuff, no doubt – but my uncle once told me a story about a man named Dietrich Bonhoeffer (I later read his “The Cost of Discipleship” and “Letters and Papers from Prison”) whose life may illustrate this point. He was a German theologian in (again) Nazi Germany who left before the war really got going to study in the United States. Once the war started, he felt like God was calling him back to Germany to start an “underground” church and seminary that was not monitored by the state. So far, so good. Underground churches, though illegal, are a “Christian” thing to be a part of.

During the war, he became increasingly unsettled by the position the church was taking in the war. He struggled with whether, in the midst of a mad man like Hitler driving the world to destruction, the church should simply stand to the side and take care of the wounded, dying and grieving or they should take an active role in removing the wheel from the mad mans hands. Dietrich chose the latter. He became a part of the underground resistance, participated in an assassination attempt against Hitler, was caught, sentenced to death and hung for his crime.

While in prison, he converted nearly everyone he came in contact with – his guards snuck his writings out to the public and his life is still studied today. In his book “Letters and Papers…” he stated that he (paraphrase) does 'not insist what I did was the right thing – but I followed my conviction – and if I was wrong, I throw myself upon the grace of God.’ I think Dietrich understood the Greatest Commandment and the depth of God’s grace. The truth is, many Christians use the law as an excuse for inaction, out of fear for their own reputation or personal safety, rather than take action against injustice and destruction of life.

Finally, I certainly don’t want to do anything apart from God. I want to do everything in conjunction, under the authority and out of love for God and my fellow man. And if loving God and fellow man means breaking a law – I will do it and fall at God’s gracious feet. I am not claiming to be right in this -- I am trying to challenge a legalism that cripples love and boldness. Christ clearly broke the Sabbath by healing the crippled, yet he was without sin (though the authorities at that time felt it deserved death) – and my feeling is he did it to make a point: “Where is your heart?” You live and act for appearances sake, while you leave your fellow man in distress. Or, you yourself break the sabbath when it benefits you -- you only keep it as an excuse for inaction.

Bible Worship

2005-07-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

This was not an easy entry to write – simply because it can be so easily (and horribly) misunderstood. This is difficult stuff. In fact, go ahead and skip this entry. Seriously. Jesus said that it’s better to be cast into the sea with a large stone around your neck than to cause someone to stumble… and I’m not sure I’m right on this one. So, in view of that statement, please don’t read this entry. But, I will say that investigating this led me closer to the Lord...

You’re still reading, aren’t you? Okay, well then carefully consider what I’m trying to say in its entirety before making your own judgment. And finally, please do not take anything I say as the Truth – investigate for yourself! When I first spoke with someone much wiser than me on this subject, my first reaction was one of horror and doubt. As I have put this idea into practice, however, my relationship with God has strengthened. My relationship with God has strengthened (in case your misread that), a relationship that is similar to that of a friend and teacher who sits across the dinner table from me. Anyway, I know I need to start with a few basic statements in light of which this entry should be viewed:

1) I believe all scripture is “God-breathed” and useful for instruction. (2 Timothy 3:16)
2) Scripture is consistent, trust-worthy and accurately represents our Lord.
3) Dig as deep as you want, investigate as thoroughly as you can – you will find the canonized scripture holds true to the Spirit of God.
4) You can not ignore things in the bible. It is all relevant, true and is meant to be applied to your life. Some things are, clearly, more important than others, however. (ie. Women having long uncut hair as in Corinthians is not as important as Love the Lord your God with all your heart.)

Allow me to first explain a few common symptoms of bible worship. If you’ve ever been offended to the point that you could not love someone, maybe because they cuss or they talk about getting drunk -- you may be a bible worshiper. Or maybe, in your religious zeal, have focused primarily on one or two ideas/doctrines – while throwing out the greatest commandment: Love the Lord your God and care for (love) your neighbor as your care for yourself. In short, you’ve stopped considering others as more important than yourself – which is a more pervasive sin, in my opinion, than their coarse language or drunkenness.

With that in mind, I’ve had to ask myself (because someone asked it of me): What is the greatest revelation of God? The first thing that came to mind was scripture. Much of what I know about God is from what I’ve read. However, recently (over the past year) I’ve begun to see things a little differently.

So, what is the greatest revelation of God? The law? The bible? While thinking about this question, I took myself back to 50 A.D. to the first Christian Churches who, to my surprise, didn’t have a canonized, leather bound and red-letter bible. They didn’t have the book, but yet they were Christian. They didn’t have the book, but they had the Man. They had the highest revelation of God, Jesus Christ and the counsel of the Holy Spirit!

Can you be a Christian without the bible? Most church-goers I know would think I was nuts if I seriously asked that question. But I think it’s a valid and important question in an age and area of the world (bible belt) where scripture is viewed as the highest revelation of God and often made an object of worship in lieu of a relationship with Jesus Christ. My answer to the question of whether you can be a Christian without the bible is this: Yes, but living as a Christian without God’s word is like going snorkeling in the ocean without a mask. You’ll be able to swim and breathe… but you will likely miss the majesty of his love, the perils of the sea or the changing of the tides. You’ll likely have a lot of obnoxious run-ins with others snorkelers as well. It could be very dangerous. This is why Paul had to spend so much time correcting false doctrine in the early Christian churches (it was these letters that gave us the Epistles, books like Ephesians, Philippians and Colossians).

Or here’s another way to think about it… let’s say I wrote you a bunch of letters about myself -- my likes, my dislikes, my friends, the story of my life, my principles, my loves… you would come to know a lot about me through my letters. And, everything would be true and consistent (inerrant) to who I am – since I wrote them. However, the day you meet me… The day you hear my voice and come to know me as a friend… that’s the day you begin to see who I am with clear eyes… who I am lifts off the page and becomes a living, breathing person. The day you meet Jesus, not the day you read about Him, is the day you begin to walk in the light.

So, is the bible perfect? No. Is the bible inerrant? Yes. Let me explain:

Why it’s not “Perfect”: The bible is written through people – there are mistranslations in all versions (yes, even the King James Version!), grammatical errors in the Greek and additions/subtractions made by scribes. This is documented in history. And last time I checked, God doesn’t make grammatical errors. But that’s the beauty of it all – God could have brought his Word to the world any way he wanted… He chose to use his people! On top of that, the Greek and Hebrew languages are very rich, with many implied meanings tied to words that we simply don’t have in English – take “love” for example. Agape means “God love,” Stergo means “affection, such as between a parent a child” and Philo is “brotherly love” but can also mean love for an inanimate object.

It’s important to keep in mind that the bible is not God or the highest revelation of Him. Don’t worship it. The Muslims claim their scripture is perfect, copied directly from scrolls in heaven, “uncorrupted” and can be read in its perfect state only in Arabic. The Koran is their highest revelation of God – because, as they readily admit, they can not have a personal relationship with God. God, they say, is too pure and holy to have a relationship with sinners. How true! They can’t, just like I can’t, have a personal relationship with God unless they have their sins paid for by Jesus Christ. Your relationship with God through Jesus Christ is what has saved you from the fires of Hell. Let’s not worship our bible and ignore our relationship – the whole reason Jesus hung on a cross!

Next, is the bible inerrant? My answer: Yes. The bible is a collection of love letters from God, written through his people, collected in a seemingly chaotic manner that can only be of God, which stood the test of the Holy Spirit and time, inspired by the Holy Spirit and made to be as sweet as honey to my spiritual lips. It is a lamp upon my feet, an inspiration to my life and trustworthy representation of my precious Lord and Savior. It is so precious that my Lord fulfilled all the Old Testament prophesy about Him and all the law, even to the last word.

Finally, why does this matter? If this is so confusing, why write about it? Think back to when Jesus was about to enter his time of ministry in the desert. What did Satan use to try and tempt Jesus to sin? That’s right: Scripture. The bible, apart from a relationship with Jesus, can be twisted by Satan to lead you to sin. However, Jesus had well-oiled armor (the relationship with his Father) and the sword (truth of scripture) to combat Satan, both essential to the battle. (Ephesians 6:13-19) The result: Satan was weakened, defeated and then left Jesus.

I know this has been a long entry – but I think it’s important to be clear. I am not dismissing or even discounting the validity, power, truth or inerrancy of the bible. I love the bible; I memorize it, read it, discuss it, value it, meditate on it, but I don’t worship it. I just want people to have a relationship with God through Christ and not treat the bible like their Jesus. In fact, the day I started genuinely placing my relationship with Jesus Christ as supreme, the bible’s relevance and power in my life increased tenfold.

For an excellent resource on biblical inerrancy and other things I wrote about in this entry, such as grammatical errors and the trustworthiness of scripture, read Here

Struggle

2005-07-24T13:21:00.000-07:00

“I plan and think it through, I measure and cut and measure and look at it from all angles. A lot of planning goes into this… but, I never use a template or copy another work. Art is about the struggle – and the struggle is what gives the piece its charm. You can always tell if an artist struggled with the piece – and it brings a fullness and character that is not there in a copy.” – Tomas

It’s been four weeks since I started my wood carving class under Tomas, a middle-aged Hispanic master carver, painter and craftsman. Under his instruction, he is teaching me to see objects and realities as they really are – apart from our background and biases. The purpose is to understand the world around us, its shapes and dimensions, so we can create a piece of art. However, as I’ve been working, struggling, with my carving, I’ve noticed some truths about God’s workmanship in our lives.

I’ve noticed how Tomas plays a similar role in woodcarving as Christ does in my life. I struggle and fail and he encourages me, guides me and teaches me to see with new eyes. I can use the same techniques, the same tools and with the same end in mind, but if I don’t see the grain of the wood and the overall shape and proportions of the object, the piece will be misshapen and rough. Large chunks will break off (and they do!) rather than smooth, small chips. I can walk around and “play Christian” but if I don’t respond to the Holy Spirit and see things from God’ perspective, I will fall into ruins. The difference between an artist and an average person is their ability to see, not they’re ability to wield a tool. In the same way, the difference between a Christian and a non-believer is their ability to see the reality of Truth in everyday life. Once you were blind, now you can see. As a seer, it’s your obligation to work, to struggle and to yield to the instruction of the Lord. Through the struggle, a character will develop -- a character that lives faithfully under the omnipotent hand of a wise and loving Master.

I think that’s the big struggle for Christians -- they approach the Christian life the way I first approached wood carving. I wanted to get the techniques down… but Tomas wanted me to see. I wanted to create a masterpiece my first day, but Tomas wanted me to struggle and grow.

Thank you, Lord, for teaching me through struggles. Take away any comfort I have that is not your voice. I am afraid of what I am asking – but I trust you are good. Amen

The Vinedresser

2005-07-10T19:56:00.000-07:00

All through scripture a theme of vines, branches and bearing fruit parallel spiritual concepts and truths in our own lives. Tonight, at my bible study group, we were talking about struggles, trials and pain (an upbeat meeting, I know) and I thought back to a tour I took of a vineyard a few months ago. The tour guide showed us how they would intentionally drip the water just out of the reach of the plants roots. This technique, the tour guide said, causes the plant root to reach out further and further for its nourishment – which somehow causes the vine to yield bigger and sweeter tasting grapes. Additionally, the vines grow to be stronger and more prepared for severe weather and drought.

What an amazing parallel in ours lives. How often God puts our provisions, everything we need, just out of our reach – so if we would just stretch ourselves out in faith. If we would faithfully reach towards God knowing He will answer with the Living Water we need – we would yield bigger, sweeter and more beautiful fruit for His vineyard. And the next time adversity strikes, our roots hold fast according to the training of our wonderful Vinedresser. I love this analogy, along with John 15, which my friend Ashley reminded me of just as I came home tonight.

Jesus, I thank you that even in waiting, you are good. You’re ultimate concern is to strengthen my roots in the only way possible… just like the vine doesn’t know why the water is put out of its reach, I don’t know why I have to struggle and suffer. I don’t know why my friends and family have to endure pain – but you do. Please help me grow towards you. Amen.

Closter Phobia

2005-07-06T21:01:00.000-07:00

My life is like a room – my bedroom, for instance. When I moved in, it was clean and white and empty. Free from clutter, dirty clothes, cables, trash, budgets, business casual, dinner, bills, socials, fatigue, stress, dating, cubicles and coffee. Computer screens and palm pilots. Dirty laundry and gas prices.

My room’s cluttered, but I’ve never understood closter phobia – you could zip me up in a duffle bag and I’d be fine. That’s just how I am. You could fill my room to the ceiling with clutter, and it wouldn’t faze me. (Just ask any roommate). But my spirit is so very different. My spirit needs more than a lunch break. It needs more than 15 minutes of bible reading in the morning. It needs to be spoken to and humbled. It needs open space. It needs freedom.

All day, I’m trained to not be spiritual. I train myself to think in numbers and angles and processes. God is for my free time, they never say, but always mean. My day is cluttered and trained – but a fire burns in my bones. The Kingdom burns deep in my gut. God will never let me go – even when I feel like He’s far away – He holds me close.

I’m feeling closter phobic. Lord, please remove the junk from my life that keeps me from walking in the Spirit. I just want to walk with you, share you through my life and serve your purpose. I’ve failed to worship you – please forgive me. I can’t even worship you without your help. I know your blood never fails. Rain your grace on the crop you’ve sown. I love you, Jesus. Amen.

In His Hands

2005-06-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

I haven’t written anything for over three weeks – and it was two weeks before that. It’s not because I’m lazy – or tired of writing. I’ve wanted to write. I’ve thought about writing almost every day. I’m really just trying to be honest. I write what I learn – and lately, God hasn’t taught me anything. No theology, no discipline, no lessons. I can’t think of one significant idea worth mentioning. I’m not even sure if anyone reads this anymore.

Here’s what has been happening: I’ve been struggling, and God has strengthened me. I’ve been hurting, and God has encouraged me. I’ve been uncomfortable, and God has held me in His warm hands.

When I needed comfort, He didn’t bring instruction – He came as a friend comforting a friend. I can’t explain it – I just can’t help but think about Jesus without getting choked up. Everyday for the past month I’ve gotten up knowing that I needed Him. Every moment has made that need a conscious thought. I need Him like air. And it’s a new experience for me.

I explained this to my granddad and he helped me see that God would not be giving me this comfort unless I was where He wanted me to be. Not that he always gives comfort to those in His will – but you can know you’re in His will when things outside of Him seem beyond your strength and He provides.

The blessing came when I stopped asking for help and starting saying “Lord, your will be done.” I stopped praying that God take away my difficulty and instead, as my pastor stated tonight, that He would “strengthen my back.”

Lord, thank you for helping. Strengthen my back. Blessed be your Name.

Passing Away

2005-05-31T12:13:00.000-07:00

lies, the many promised brought
darkness filled, full with naught
like a dog to vomit, fools return
contempt and lust, still they burn

it longs, my soul, to live
to die, my flesh, it strive

naught expands to spread my dark
more i thought, deprave my heart
a little more, and glory, be healed
yet not but dark did darkness yield

it longs, my soul, to live
to die, my flesh, it strive

Truth, the many promises brought
broke the dawn, the light i sought
cleared my darkness, washed my sins
His grace i felt, god-me gave in

it longs, my soul, to live
to die, my flesh, it strive

love surged in my rescued soul
faith red-hot, a new stoked coal
lost it all, my life, to be healed
and not but light did I AM yield

it longs, my soul, it lives.

Foremost of Sinners

2005-05-13T16:48:00.000-07:00

And I am the foremost of sinners. 1 Timothy 1:15b

I’ve never understood that verse. How can men like Paul, Augustine or St. Francis call themselves the worst of sinners when, clearly, they are men of God. When I see quotes like this, it doesn’t encourage or reassure me. I don’t think “oh, well if they still feel like they’re terrible sinners, then I’m ok.” Instead, I see little hope for me growing closer to perfection, as Christ was perfect, when the men I admire still claim to be “terrible sinners.” I just get confused. These are godly men saying this…

I never understood that verse until I realized who I stood next to… standing, just for a moment, next to the perfection, the power and the holiness of my Lord, the darkness of my sin dropped me to my knees and my heart cried “Depart from me, for I am a wicked man!” (Luke 5:8) At that moment, Peter didn’t seem so melodramatic anymore. It suddenly didn’t matter how much or how many times I had sinned, it mattered that there is sin; sin that is terribly dark next to His light.

I felt overwhelmed by how terrible I am – and I finally understood Paul and Augustine and Francis. I understood their claims not as false humility, gross sin or just plain lies, but as men standing close to their Lord and seeing their weakness. God had to take me there before he could teach me of His grace: “My grace, Brad, is sufficient for you” and “my power is made perfect in your weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) Father, please help. Amen.

Free and In His will

2005-05-11T23:30:00.000-07:00

“God told me to…” “I can’t discern God’s will…” “I’ve been called…” “If God would just tell me…” What does all that mean, anyway? The answer is of particular interest to me simply because during the past week, as I've learned more about this topic, everything in my faith life has seemed to reduce itself down to the lowest common denominator. It’s like in Tetris, when you get that one long piece you’ve wanted for so long, and the tangled mess that was your game suddenly swings back in your favor. That’s how I feel after coming to this understanding.

Ever since I first heard God’s still, small voice several years ago, I’ve been intensely interested in a conversational relationship with the Maker of the Universe. The exhilaration I feel when God speaks is indescribable – more intimate and life-changing than falling in love, as serious and private as two lovers conversing. Yet it does come with its own confusions and frustrations. Here are a few observations I’ve gathered over the past couple of years in regards to God’s relationship to man:

1) He doesn’t “speak” to all Christians. He may use feelings, ideas, urgings, emotions, scripture, dreams or another person to relate through the Holy Spirit.
2) There is no better or worse way to experience God; He relates to everyone differently, as expected from a God who knows us all intimately.
3) People sometimes “hear” what they want to hear – whether or not it was God speaking.
4) Even when I faithfully and diligently seek to hear His voice about things I am concerned with, He is often silent.
5) “God said” and “God’s will” are often used to manipulate and “spiritualize” actions.
6) If you mention God speaking to you, people stare at you like a man sharing his alien abduction experience.

Given my experience hearing God along with the observations listed above, I came to the uneasy conclusion that maybe God isn’t all that concerned with most of the details of my life. Maybe, I thought, He’s only concerned with how I live my life – if it’s for His glory and out of love for Him. However, this idea did not align with the God of Deuteronomy (and a great deal of the old testament), who seems painstaking interested in the details. I came to find my conclusion is half-true. Here’s an excerpt from the book Hearing God by Dallas Willard, which uses the biblical “husband is to the wife as Christ is to the church” analogy to explain our ideal relationship with God. This quote has literally transformed my thoughts on living free in God’s will, enjoy:

“The beloved (husband), who both loves and is loved, does not want to order the lover (wife) about; instead the beloved desires that the lover understand what is needed so that few orders are necessary. In this union of souls – in the conscious delight and rest in one another that is the highest and most exalted relationship possible between two persons – it is not right for one person to always tell the other what to do. And so it is in our union with God, a person both loving and beloved. He (God) does not delight in having to always explain what His will is; He enjoys it when we understand and act upon His will. Our highest calling and opportunity in life is to love Him with all our being.”

In other words, God is intensely interested in the details of our life – but doesn’t want to constantly order us around. Like the lover in the above quote, he wants us to “understand what is necessary so that few orders are necessary.” In matters such as your job, your mate, your finances – speak openly with God, but know you are free to choose and still be in His will; primarily, He wants us to reach a state of mature love in which we will make every decision out of love and the desire to honor Him.

Does this mean we don’t need a conversational, walking relationship with God? On the contrary, a wife and a husband ideally share everything going on in their lives, work through issues and spend countless hours together on building their relationship. In that instance, knowing each others will and desires is natural. If we fall out of that kind of relationship and try to make decisions on our own, we are like a wife that leaves her husband, moves to a new town and still expects her actions to please her husband.

The resulting conclusion I have come to is that I have a tremendous amount of freedom in making choices in my life. It means that I don’t have to worry myself sick over whether my decisions are “within” God’s will or “what God desires.” In many situations in my life, God may very well ask, “Brad, what is it that you want?” He gives His children this freedom when He knows their whole self is aligned to serve and please Him. Occasionally, God will give us an outright order, often referred to as a “call,” but that seems more rare than not. In an intimate, conversational relationship with our Lord, we are truly free to live out our desires while still being completely within His will. We are “free, we are complete!”

If you want to learn a lot more about this topic, read Dallas Willard’s Hearing God. It is extremely challenging!

10 Steps To A More Intimate Walk

2005-05-09T00:46:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry – that title was a trick. I don’t know ten steps to become more intimate with Jesus… I don’t know any formulas… I guess I don’t know what God thinks about our Purpose Driven Life, Step-by-Step, grow closer to God programs either. Let me start by giving the disclaimer that I’m not trying to discount some of the excellent tools we have to augment our walk with the Lord – but those tools, as in marriage counseling tools, are only meant to set you on the right path, not be the path. Think of these tools like training wheels -- if you ever want to get serious about riding your bike, you need to lose those badboys. As a friend of God, I have to wonder what my friends would think if I approached them the way so many believers approach God… to illustrate this, I’ve written this incredibly cheesy dialogue, enjoy:

Brad: “Hey, Joshua – I know we’re only acquaintances, or whatever, but I wanted to get to know you better – so I found this new thing that can help us become better friends. It’s a 30-day program, with 15 easy steps…”
Joshua: “Uh.. yea, that’s great -- how bout you and I just hang out this weekend… we can go get coffee or dinner – you know, share what’s going on in our lives.”
Brad: “Yea… but see, we can start with this first step… its called ‘Introducing Yourself to Your Friend.’ First, we introduce ourselves… then we start making small talk. If you want, we can schedule a time next week to work on that.”
Joshua: “Brad, we’re already introduced… and I’m not really interested in making small talk… and we don’t need to schedule these things… we can hang out now.”
Brad: “Oh, right – well, maybe we should skip to Step Two: Inviting Them To Something.”
Joshua: “Ummm… yea, I just did that – remember dinner or coffee?”
Brad: “Look, why are you being difficult? Can’t you just get with the program so we can become better friends… if you don’t follow these steps with me, it won’t work, okay? This book has a money back guarantee! Okay, Step Three sounds more appropriate: Share What’s Going On In Your Life.”
Joshua: “Yea, that’s good… I like step three.”
Brad: “Okay, great – I haven’t had a chance to read the chapter yet – so I’m not ready to share right now… how does next Tuesday from 3-4 sound?”
Joshua: “Brad – give me that stupid book…”
Brad: “What? Why? I just want to know you better.”
Joshua: “Brad, I’m glad you want to be my friend but we don’t need a program. Just be a friend to me.”

How ridiculous does seem? A step-by-step program to become better friends? Yet, we do it every day when we treat God like a some unnattainable volcano god -- if we could only say or do the right little ritual in prayer, he won't erupt on us. Is our relationship with God really that different from a friendship? Jesus called us, Christians, his friends. I don’t remember Moses, Jeremiah, Jesus, Nehemiah, David or Daniel needing any program or formula – they met with God in the wilderness, on the mountaintop, in their home or in a cave.

What if I approached Jesus that way? If he responded at all, he might say: Why are you doing this program? Why the steps? Your brothers and sisters have been walking intimately with me for centuries – before there was even a bound bible, before there was powerpoint, before there was any step-by-step programs. Just listen for my voice or tell me what’s going on in your life. Stop trying to check boxes, be religious or work for some certificate or goal… give me your time and I’ll teach you to be like me. I am your teacher, your master not some ticket you have to punch. Don’t say what you think you should say – be honest. Brutally honest. I'm God, I can handle it! I love you more deeply than you can comprehend and I know you better than anyone… So, don’t prepare, just lay everything out on the table... You know that 20 minute commute to work every morning… that’s a good time for us to talk... or maybe that time you take everyday to read your bible… use some of that time to listen for my counsel. You see Brad, your honesty – even if its honesty about bad things – is the one tool I need to change your life... to make you more like me. If you don’t give me that, my hands are tied.

Eternal Perspective

2005-05-05T22:14:00.000-07:00

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. -- Colossians 3:2

What if we lived this life as if it were only a very short, but significant, part of our eternal life; if all our thoughts, actions and decisions were based upon the premise that they will carry on into eternity? After all, that is our reality as citizens of heaven, right? A vitally important question to ask yourself is, "if I were to die today, could I say that up to this point I have pursued efforts of worth to the Kingdom of God?"

Back when I was beginning to make some serious decisions about which direction I wanted to take after graduation, a wise friend asked me to think about what kind of person I wanted to be in 20 years. He explained that exploring the answer to that question has a way of revealing your deepest desires and lasting dreams – things that are worth a lifetime of pursuit. He explained that the next step is to prayerfully pursue what path you should take to grow into those dreams. My personal answers surprised me, simply because they had little to do with what the world (or my short-sightedness) assigns value. Another thing surprised me… God may be less concerned about the path I take as opposed to how I take it.

I’ve now tried to take this idea of "thinking long term" another step, by looking at how a believer would extend their decision making into the realm of eternity (heaven). I believe “to set our minds on things above,” even amidst our circumstances, struggles and joys would naturally translate into wisdom in the way we live our daily lives. Instead of thinking 20 years ahead, we would be thinking infinitely beyond life on earth and, consequently, our values would reflect this perspective. This is all dependent on an intimate walk with Christ, of course.

For those of you who have taken calculus (it took me two times to pass, don’t worry), this graph may help you understand what I mean (or, maybe not!). The X axis is a person’s age, the Y axis is their foresight length (better put, the vantage point from which they make life decisions).

Naturally, as a person ages, their ability to use experience and wisdom grows so that they may foresee the implications of their decisions on the long term. For example, take the average 35 year old non-believer (blue curve in the graph) – they have matured in wisdom in regards to their decision making skills as compared to when they were 20 years old. They see more long term. However, even with years of experience, if you take the tangent (red lines) of any one point on the line, the slope of the tangent is still not headed to eternity. Their wisdom (partially) served its turn here on earth, but there is nothing for them in eternity simply because their decisions were not made with heaven in mind.

Now let’s take the average 35 year old believer. If they truly live with an eternal perspective, making every decision based on their eternal implications – their foresight extends in a vertical line straight “up” into eternity, the eternity in which they now reside. If you take the tangent of any point on this line, you are headed directly towards eternity. Every decision they make is rooted in, and benefits, eternity. I believe this reality is why Christ was obedient even to the cross, Stephen praised God as he was stoned to death and the girl at Columbine said “Yes” to the boy who held a gun to her head.

Given that the area under the curve is God’s wisdom, I believe (generally) the more long term our thinking, the closer we grow towards God’s wisdom; if we think only in terms of eternity, we become very close to thinking in God’s terms. However, I’m afraid that many believers maintain the perspective represented by the blue line – and even though they may go to heaven, there will be very little treasure stored upon their arrival.

If you didn’t understand the graph, with all the tangent, curve and axis talk – don’t worry, I’m not sure I understand it either. Here’s my point: if your mind is always on the things of heaven, your life will be filled with wisdom and foresight rather than be rocked by the waves of circumstance. You will value what can be stored in heaven, not what will burn up here on earth. When you pass onto the rest of eternity, the decisions you have made here will continue on the same tangent into eternity. Sorry for making you think about math again – uggh, flashbacks.

I don't like...

2005-04-28T00:24:00.000-07:00

I recently went to a church service that, honestly, I didn’t like. It was very traditional in the pipe organ, liturgical, stained-glass, suit and tie sense… and I’m one of those contemporary church goers, in the guitar and power-point, flip-flops, shorts and t-shirt sense. I sat through the entire service, having flashbacks to my Episcopal private school days, scrutinizing every last detail of the service. The longer I sat there, the more I began realizing how many times I’ve heard (and spoken) the words “I don’t like…” in regards to worship services. “I don’t like…” as if my opinion matters.

“I don’t like…” The whole phrase started rubbing on me in a bad way. So, I found a more relevant question: “What part of that service did Jesus not like and why?” The answer astounded me.

...He didn’t like the fact that I came for the pastor, the music or the setting. He didn’t like that I paid more attention to the beautiful church than I paid to Him -- that I came not to meet with God, but I came to find a place that matched my personal preferences. He didn’t like the fact that flip-flops were a part of my church selection decision. Man, I need to get over myself.

Why I didn’t want to be a Christian

2005-04-27T23:25:00.000-07:00

There was a time in my life that I didn’t want to be a Christian. In fact, I hated most Christians. My feelings aligned most closely with Mahatma Gandhi when he said, “Jesus I like – it’s his followers I can’t stand.” It wasn’t the teachings or even the person of Jesus I didn’t like (they were rather attractive) – it was the ones who claimed to love Him. It was the ones who called themselves Christians, went to church, huddled together, sneered at those ‘beyond the pale’ and became the coolest and most exclusive kids in school. Their lives told a different story than their mouths -- and Christ had a name for them: actors. However, to a non-believer, they were the only Jesus I knew. To make matters more confusing, my non-Christian friends and drinking buddies seemed to care more about me than any of them…

That is, until I came to know some authentic Christians. Christians who had been raised outside the rampant ‘cultural Christianity’ that dominates the bible belt. I met men and women who had literally laid down their lives, their worldly advantages and comforts for the treasure of heaven. It wasn’t their logic or doctrine that drew me to Christ – it was their love. It wasn't their debating skill -- it was their love that that silenced my arguments against Christianity. When I saw the way they lived their lives apart from the world, I couldn’t help but wonder why.

When I read about men like Stephen, Paul, Peter and all the disciples who were killed because they preached the death and resurrection – even the skeptic in me could not deny the Truth. God had put on skin, taught, healed, lived a sinless life, struggled, died as a perfect sacrifice on the cross and was resurrected on the third day. No group of men would go to their death, one-by-one, for a lie… they died because they knew and loved their Lord. And I wanted it… bad.

Now I am one who claims Christ. Everyday I must decide what I want to tell others about Christ through my life – do I want to be like those I grew up hating or those who beamed with authenticity. What kind of Christian are you? Jesus said that everyday we must die to ourselves and carry our cross to be his disciple. And carrying a cross can be inconvenient – it means we are to love the unlovable, give favor to those who can not repay us and pray for those who want to hurt us. It means we have to consider others more important than ourselves. And yes, you must associate with non-Christians.

Lord, you are the only judge -- help me to be free from judgment. Help me to love unselfishly, to preach the gospel at all times through my life and to focus on you only for approval. Help me to demonstrate your glory by simple obedience to your commands. Amen.

Ministry of the Holy Spirit

2005-04-27T21:22:00.000-07:00

Then Moses and the priests, the Levites, spoke to all Israel, saying “Take heed and listen, O Israel: This day you have become the people of the Lord your God. Therefore you shall obey the voice of the Lord your God, and observe His commandments and His statutes which I command you today.” Deuteronomy 27-9-10

One of my friends in seminary, Justin, told me about how a visiting speaker in one of his classes mentioned his thoughts on spiritual development. One of the things he spoke on was simply taking time each day to sit down with nothing but a pen, a blank piece of paper and a bible… to write. You can write anything – letters to God, prayers, specific issues, responses to scripture verses or simply take time to listen – just let the Holy Spirit guide your thoughts. He argued that this was the single most important act in which to grow closer to your Lord – to spend time allowing the Holy Spirit to be your Counselor.

This is the beauty of a relationship with Christ: you don’t need an expensive seminary education, religion, a library of books (although my personal book addiction suggests I believe otherwise) or an elaborate training program. You’ve already been given everything you need at the moment of conversion – the Holy Spirit and an open relationship with God through Christ. Now, like any relationship, you must invest time and effort for it to grow. And, if you’ve ever experienced this relationship, you know of the intoxicating love and irresistible grace that springs from an intimate encounter with the Almighty Creator of the universe. It’s all you need.

I’ve found this amazingly true in my own life – especially in the past five months as I have spent a lot more time alone, listening and writing. God has revealed things to me through his word and voice -- all the while becoming more and more my sole source of worth -- simply because I listened. At times God seems distant; other times it’s as if I am one of his disciples, sitting around the campfire discussing the Kingdom of Heaven. Joan of Arc was once asked by someone why God seems to speak only to her. She replied, “Sir, you are wrong. God speaks to everyone. I just listen.” And to listen, you have to stop talking. (What a hard concept for me to put into practice!)

Behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice. So it was, when Elijah heard it. 1 Kings 19:11-13

But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. John 14:26

Suffering

2005-04-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

"For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake" (Philippians 1:29)

This entry shows what Christ can do if you give your suffering, pain and broken heartedness to Him. I thought about writing my own insights, but I simply would not be able to state it as eloquently as the following passage from the Streams in the Desert journal. The only thing that I would add is the verse above, which says to me that if we are walking with God, we will inevitable suffer by the hands of the world. But do not fear, for God has overcome the world. (John 16:33) One thing is for certain, it was suffering and not comfort that brought forth the wisdom, joy and love behind this quotation. Lord, help me to have a heart like this:

“There is a divine mystery in suffering, a strange and supernatural power in it, which has never been fathomed by human reason. There has never been known great saintliness of soul which did not pass through great suffering. When the suffering soul reaches a calm sweet carelessness, when it can inwardly smile at its own suffering; and does not even ask God to deliver it from suffering, then it has wrought its blessed ministry; then patience has its perfect work; then the crucifixion begins to weave itself into a crown.

“It is in this state of the perfection of suffering that the Holy Spirit works many marvelous things in our souls. In such a condition, our whole being lies perfectly under the hand of God; ever faculty of the mind and will and heart are at last subdued; a quietness of eternity settles down into the whole being; the tongue grows still, and has but few words to say; it stops asking God questions; it stops crying, “Why hast thou forsaken me?

“The imagination stops building air castles, or running off on foolish lines; the reason is tame and gentle; the choices are annihilated; it has no choice in anything but the purpose of God. The affections are weaned from all creatures and all things; it is so dead that nothing can hurt it, nothing can offend it, nothing can hinder it, nothing can get in its way; for let the circumstances be what they may, it seeks only for God and His will, and it feels assured that God is making everything in the universe, good or bad, past or present, work together for its good.

“Oh, the blessedness of being absolutely conquered! Of losing our own strength, and wisdom, and plans, and desires and being where every atom of our nature is like placid Galilee under the omnipotent feet of our Jesus.”

"Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name." (Acts 5:41)
"I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." (Romans 8:18)
"but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope." (Romans 5:3-4)

What to do with a broken heart

2005-04-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

I've had the opportunity to listen to a lot of broken hearted people over the past couple of years... including having experienced it for myself. It's not all that uncommon. In fact, I think most people have experienced a broken heart at some point in their life… unfortunately, some more than others. And it’s hard. We live in a world full of reasons and circumstances to have a broken heart… whether it’s abusive parents, significant others, friends, siblings or your own past sins. As a starting point, I would like to point out that broken hearts are entirely relational. You don’t get a broken heart when you accidentally run your truck into a ditch (although I’ve used those words to describe the feeling); you get a broken heart when a person you have a relationship with breaks it. It has to do with relationships. So, what now? It hurts and you feel hopeless. From my experience, your heart has three options: harden, hide or heal.

I think most people find their relationship was not built on a foundation of selflessness – and when it fails, they’re not only caught off guard by the failure, but their emotions turn from affection to hate and bitterness. The hardening of the heart does not limit itself towards the heartbreaker – it carries over into other relationships. Sin always takes you further than you want to go.

A second option is to hide. You can hide behind a lot of stuff: other relationships (boyfriends, girlfriends), alcohol and drugs, work, hobbies, religion or a variety of other things, “good” and “bad.” Hiding only compounds the wound, which will need to be dealt with at a later date.

Finally, you can heal. Well, you can’t -- but you can hand the broken heart to Jesus. Sounds cliché, huh? I agree – but here’s why it’s true: there is no one who has had their heart broken more times than Jesus Christ. Ever. Think about it. If you’re a believer who has repented of your sins, you can easily see how many times you have personally denied Christ, sinned against Him and broken His heart. Multiply that times every person who has ever lived. Then add on His own Father turning from Him as Jesus became sin for our sake on the cross. He knows a broken heart when He sees one – and He knows how to heal it if you let Him. Take it from me, it's true.

How do you let Him heal you? Be honest in prayer; tell God everything and stay in His word... and don't let up until you're healed.

Heaven

2005-04-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

"set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God; set your minds on heavenly things, not on earthly things" (Colossians 3:1-2)

Do you remember when you first discovered Disneyland? Your best friend across the street came straight from the airport and described the rides, the cotton candy, Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck, the castles and pirates! You couldn’t believe such a place existed – all for kids! You told everyone you knew, dreamed about the day you could ride in Space Mountain and get a Mickey hat. You begged your parents to take you! After months of pleading, they finally agreed! You couldn’t believe it, you were actually going to Disneyland! Dragons and pirates and castles consumed your mind – it was all you could think about!

Most likely, when you got there, Disneyland was not exactly as you imagined -- but the thinking of what it could be and anticipation of arriving had completely changed your behavior towards your parents, took your mind off the toy you didn’t get last week and gave you a joyous horizon to look forward to… and when you actually arrived, hugging Donald Duck, feeling the sharp curves of Space Mountain and eating the unlimited ice cream went far beyond anything your five-year-old mind could imagine.

Heaven for a believer, in my estimation, is no different. God gives us lots of clues in his word as to what our eternity will look like… our heavenly bodies (1 Cor. 15:42-44), the glory of God shining like the sun and our new responsibilities in Heaven. I love imagining meeting all the saints and my friends and family (1 Thes. 4:14-18), receiving my crowns and laying them at Christ’s feet, having a completely unhindered relationship with my Father and living in my house prepared by Christ for eternity!

The more and more I think about it, the more I believe heaven will be a lot like life on earth today. Imagine life as you know it, but take out all sin, all evil, bad weather, your physical imperfections, your pains, your fears, the guy who cut you off last week, temptations and broken relationships (Revelation 21:4). It will be a time of learning and responsibility (Matt. 6:19-25; 25:20-21; Luke 19:17-19; 1 Cor. 3:12-15; 2 Cor. 5:9,10) – as those who have been faithful with what they were given on earth will be made rulers of great cities in heaven. There will be intelligent thought and emotion (Rev. 6:10; 7:10). It will also be a time of reconciliation. For some, you will meet your aborted child for the first time – it will be a glorious and joyful embrace. For others, you’ll meet people you never knew you have impacted… and all the praise will go back to the Father. C.S. Lewis, in the Great Divorce, described how we will look upon our own sins on earth as if we were looking at the past sins of a good friend. There will be no shame, no pain, no pride, just understanding – we will count everything we did for the Lord as gain and everything we didn’t do for Him as loss.

One thing is for certain, heaven is what we long for as believers. (Phil. 3:14; 2 Tim. 4:8) It is the promise we have in our salvation, as this earth is not our real home. We’re just ambassadors on temporary duty assignment. One of my favorite quotes, which I am paraphrasing, says ‘A small amount of faith will get you into the Kingdom of Heaven, but a great faith will bring the Kingdom of Heaven to you.’

For more information on what the bible says about Heaven, check out this link: Click Here!

Isaiah 53

2005-03-18T20:23:00.000-08:00

Written 700 years before Christ's birth, scripture says it best -- here is our Lord:

1 The people reply, "Who would have believed what we now report? Who could have seen the Lord's hand in this? 2 It was the will of the Lord that his servant grow like a plant taking root in dry ground. He had no dignity or beauty to make us take notice of him. There was nothing attractive about him, nothing that would draw us to him. 3 We despised him and rejected him; he endured suffering and pain. No one would even look at him— we ignored him as if he were nothing.
4 "But he endured the suffering that should have been ours, the pain that we should have borne. All the while we thought that his suffering was punishment sent by God. 5 But because of our sins he was wounded, beaten because of the evil we did. We are healed by the punishment he suffered, made whole by the blows he received. 6 All of us were like sheep that were lost, each of us going his own way. But the Lord made the punishment fall on him, the punishment all of us deserved. 7 "He was treated harshly, but endured it humbly; he never said a word. Like a lamb about to be slaughtered, like a sheep about to be sheared, he never said a word. 8 He was arrested and sentenced and led off to die, and no one cared about his fate. He was put to death for the sins of our people. 9 He was placed in a grave with those who are evil, he was buried with the rich, even though he had never committed a crime or ever told a lie."
10 The Lord says, "It was my will that he should suffer; his death was a sacrifice to bring forgiveness. And so he will see his descendants; he will live a long life, and through him my purpose will succeed. 11 After a life of suffering, he will again have joy; he will know that he did not suffer in vain. My devoted servant, with whom I am pleased, will bear the punishment of many and for his sake I will forgive them. 12 And so I will give him a place of honor, a place among the great and powerful. He willingly gave his life and shared the fate of evil men. He took the place of many sinners and prayed that they might be forgiven."

Moralism

2005-03-18T18:49:00.000-08:00

Morality and religion will not invite or secure the blessing of God. They never have, and they never will. -- John MacArthur

Living in the bible belt, I seem to encounter moralism more often than Jesus. Moralism is the act of advocating or living according to moral principles, often that align with Christian teachings, apart from person of Christ. It means you’re a “good guy” or a “nice Christian.” It means you are violently against homosexuality but will remain silent against sexual immorality. (To be clear, the Greek word for sexual immorality, “porneia” means any sexual activity that is not between a husband and his wife.) It means you’re more concerned about “right behavior” on earth rather than whether someone is a citizen of Heaven.

If you are a moralist, you believe living according to God’s commandments will earn you heaven. Or maybe its not that deep – maybe you just want to look good to everyone else. Whatever your motivation or reasoning, one thing is certain: moralism is not of the Spirit, but of the flesh. It’s all flesh. It’s all your own effort. And it’s all disgusting to God.

Moralism is something many Christians have found themselves guilty of at one time or another… but seeing moralism in Christians is exactly what most turned me off to God for so many years. And it is exactly what the evil one wants us to revert to – the devil wants us to give up on the relationship with Christ (and evangelism) and fight for dry, worldly morality to make “good people.” God doesn’t want good people – he wants to redeem sinners. And His blood is the only means of redemption.

Moralism, therefore, is like trying to get rid of dandelions by mowing the front yard. You may get rid of them for a few days, but you’re only spreading the seeds of sinful desire to pop up somewhere else.

Christ has come to set your lawn on fire, turn over the dirt and plant his own seeds. Quit trying to make people moral and start focusing on making them disciples!

Is it good to love morality? Of course. If you know and serve the loving God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob – your greatest desire will be to please Him… and part of pleasing God is to be a slave to righteousness; to obey his commandments. Therefore, morality is not a means of salvation, but springs from a desire to please your Lord.

John MacArthur gave a great message on moralism in America, entitled The Deadly Dangers of Moralism, by John MacArthur. I highly recommend you read over the transcript of that sermon for more on this subject – specifically, how moralism affects the church and its social agendas as a whole, rather than just the individual.

Crucify

2005-03-18T18:00:00.000-08:00

(World English Bible Glossary)
“Crucify means to execute someone by nailing them to a cross with metal spikes. Their hands are stretched out on the crossbeam with spikes driven through their wrists or hands. Their feet or ankles are attached to a cross with a metal spike. The weight of the victim’s body tends to force the air out of his lungs. To raise up to breathe, the victim has to put weight on the wounds, and use a lot of strength. The victim is nailed to the cross while the cross is on the ground, then the cross is raised up and dropped into a hole, thus jarring the wounds. Before crucifixion, the victim was usually whipped with a Roman cat of nine tails, which had bits of glass and metal tied to its ends. This caused chunks of flesh to be removed and open wounds to be placed against the raw wood of the cross. The victim was made to carry the heavy crossbeam of his cross from the place of judgment to the place of crucifixion, but often was physically unable after the scourging, so another person would be pressed into involuntary service to carry the cross for him. Roman crucifixion was generally done totally naked to maximize both shame and discomfort. Eventually, the pain, weakness, dehydration, and exhaustion of the muscles needed to breathe make breathing impossible, and the victim suffocates.”

He Who Saves, Jesus, help me to remember that your cross is an instrument of torture and death. An instrument you climbed upon to suffer for my sake. But don’t let me forget the true measure of your suffering, which was not physical. Remind me of the suffering you endured as your own Father turned his back on you as you took on my sin – a kind of suffering I will never endure. Thank you for standing in my place – without you I have no hope with the Father. I love you, Jesus.

Ambassadors

2005-03-01T22:19:00.000-08:00

“So we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal to the world through us. We plead with you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.” – 2 Corinthians 5:20

Over the past two weeks, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my citizenship and what it means to be truly transformed… and I think I can explain what I’m thinking with an example. To give you a little background, I started going to church on Saturday nights at 6, which I actually prefer to Sunday morning. Afterwards, I meet with a group to discuss the sermon. This particular Saturday, we were having a “relationship” night, which meant we would play games, socialize, whatever…. One of the games involved “naming our favorite bible story and why.”

Now, if you would have told me 4 years ago that I would be sitting around on a Saturday night of my senior year in college, talking about bible stories – not only would I have thought you were nuts, but I probably would have been offended. I mean, "I’m not a loser…"

What surprised me most is that during the games, it never occurred to me how strange this behavior could seem to an outsider… or how much I would have made fun of me not too many years ago. I realized (after one of the members of the group pointed out that it was Saturday night and we were talking about bible stories like they were the big plays in the Superbowl) that God has transformed everything about me… my heart, my mind, my soul… my final destination. Even my current citizenship.

A couple of years ago I was made a full-blown citizen (with all its privileges and rights thereof) of the Kingdom of Heaven. I didn’t do anything or pay anyone off to achieve this – I just had a Connection on the inside. In fact, not only was I made a citizen – but 2 Corinthians 5:20 says I have been appointed Ambassador! My job is now to represent my Homeland for the best interests and glory of my King – at all costs. I am no longer to be concerned with the affairs of my old home anymore – I am working for my King’s affairs.

1 Peter 2:11 says, “Beloved, I beseech you as aliens and exiles…” Aliens? Exiles? Ambassadors? Kinda gives you a new perspective on your existence, when you view yourself not as another American, another Christian or an ordinary person walking around in the world – but as a commissioned Ambassador of God’s kingdom. In the same way that a Japanese Ambassador to the United States does not seek the good of the United States, but that of Japan and his superiors – we are called to serve the Lord and seek the good of the Kingdom of Heaven, not our culture, our country or anything else that defies our Lord. But notice what the verse at the top says… God is making his appeal to the world through us – therefore, be reconciled to your God. If the ambassador isn’t actively communicating with his King, he’s not representing the King’s desires. Be reconciled, Ambassador.

Obedience

2005-02-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

Never try to explain God until you've obeyed him. The only part of God we understand is the part we have obeyed.
-- Oswald Chambers

Studying Christ’s commandments is like reading an amazing book on baseball rules and history. The stories of baseball greats inspire, the rules and customs educate and the intellectual love for the game moves to a new level. You are armed with knowledge to take with you onto the field. It’s all in your head and it plays out beautifully. (The Holy Spirit plays a vital role not accounted for in this analogy – the role of using the Word to convict, reveal, encourage and teach.)

If someone asks you about the game – you can talk about Babe Ruth, the infield fly rule and how the Yankees are doing this season. You know your stats.

Living out Christ’s commandments is like playing third base every moment of every day for the rest of your life. You feel the soft infield grass under your feet, the smell of the leather, the crack of the bat. Unforced errors followed by double plays. Dirt and mud and dust. You wear the uniform, sport the equipment and stand ready to play your role on the team. You learn to play only for your Coach and for the good of the team. Each team member has its function – you depend on all of them and they depend on you.

Your understanding of baseball now lifts off the pages of the rulebook and internalizes itself in your heart. You come to love the game, love the Coach, love your team – despite the bruises, the hot sun, errors, bumps, exhaustion and pain. You sacrifice your freedom for the long practices and strained muscles; in trade for the dugout conversations, the cheering of the angelic crowd and the support of your teammates. Your Coach teaches you to make constant improvement and you obey His every word. In turn, He begins to trust you as a steady, consistent team player. Years of experience have sprouted wisdom.

Now, if someone asks you about the game – it’s not the history or the rules you mention. It's not your batting average or winning record. It’s the love you have for the Coach, for your teammates, for the dirt, the sweat and the smell of leather. The rules and history help guide, encourage and inspire you to be a better teammate – but now you understand the spirit of the game, the love… and you can’t wait for the big game.

Pride

2005-02-24T20:48:00.000-08:00

Pride is the single most elusive sin in my life – the moment I see it rear its head, it whispers “I was never here.” The flesh’s knee-jerk response is to change how I act – in effect, tempering my confidence in order to “seem” more humble… which is about as reasonable as trying to yield more fruit by cutting down the pear tree.

Satan delights in pride (read that one again). He delights in our need to reach Vice President in 10 years, earn our first million, marry the best looking woman, live for what people will think, ignore/excuse our sin, win an argument and water-down the Truth for the sake of “getting along.” Not to say all of our desires or ambitions are wrong in themselves – not at all – but it’s important to know the root of your desire.

Look at each of those achievements and ask, why? Why do I need ______? The answer for many of our unhealthy desires is at the top of this entry. Why do I care what people will think? Really? Will I stand before them in the end? Will I carry my corner office and BMW into eternity? Will my wife, my kids and my friends cherish the memories of my weekends in the office and missed dinners at home? These are not questions the enemy wants you to seriously consider.

Another thing about pride – it makes you want to spend three days writing one journal entry about pride so it can be complete and “perfect.” Right.

Not a Need

2005-02-20T09:45:00.000-08:00

Maybe this topic is too taboo for some "church folk" – but it’s something I’ve been learning over the past year and it’s a common conversation with my male friends. In fact, this subject is so important to some that it's stealing their only chance for true, lasting joy. I'm speaking to myself about the world's great lie that “sex is a need.”

I don’t care what Maslow, your body or the world tells you: sex is not any more of a need than chocolate. Air is a need, food and water are needs… sex is not. Don’t believe me? I can prove it. If you go your entire life without any sexual activity, will you die? The answer to that question makes for a closed case on the “need” theory.

Sex is, however, a desire. A healthy, God-given desire that is not supposed to be a source of shame – it’s supposed to be a gift to be enjoyed in the safety, trust and intimacy of marriage (God was not shy of speaking about this, see Song of Songs). But, to paraphrase Joshua Harris in Not Even A Hint, our society (i.e. you and I) has taken the “mouse-size” God given sex drive and perverted it to an oversized circus elephant. An elephant that looms in an already crowded room – and to make matters worse, everyone acts as if its not even there.

Father, help return my desire for intimacy back to You alone. Only You can meet my needs – and You can meet them all! Thank you for the healthy desires you have placed in me – I pray that they may only contribute to Your greater glory.

Once Saved, Always Saved?

2005-02-19T22:27:00.000-08:00

Recently, I struggled with the idea of whether someone could forfeit their salvation. Not "lose" your salvation -- I have never considered the possibility of "sinning enough" to fall out of the reach of God's grace ("My grace is sufficient for you.") -- forfeit. I'm talking about a willful act that says, "God, I don't want your grace, I don't want you, you don't exist."

This struggle began when I heard about people who were once seemingly committed Christians who now claim God doesn't exist... or at least not the God of the bible. I couldn't understand how this could be true. How can someone have the Holy Spirit reside in them, yet they now deny its existance? Did the Spirit leave?

Through the course of this struggle, I found many verses that seemed to support both sides -- however those supporting the idea that you can lose your salvation were easily interpreted in other ways (such as the process of sanctification, Heb 10:19-39; John 15) while the verses supporting the "once saved, always saved" (1 John) doctrine were much more conclusive and abundant.

I have come nearly full circle, back to the belief that you can neither lose nor forfeit your salvation. In fact, God's grace is not only sufficient for all your sins but it is irresistable to those who have experienced it. Hence, the name of this journal and my discovery of the idea of "irresistible grace."

I also came to the hard conclusion that there are many people out there who have been raised in the bible belt, believing they are a Christian -- evening claiming to "love God," yet they still "walk in darkness." (1 Jn 2:9; 1 Jn 4:20) They have accepted a false gospel of works/rules or have willfully ignored what God says in scripture altogether (while still carrying the label of Christ) in order to hold on to their lifestyle. (Mt 10:39) Is that you?

1 John 2:19 says, "For if they had belonged to us, they would have remained with us; but their going showed than none of them belonged to us." John referred to them as liars. Scripture says to "test our salvation" and I think it's high time many in the church do so. There's no shame in admitting you need a savior -- but eternal consequences for lying to yourself, your friends and your God.

Resist

2005-02-19T21:11:00.000-08:00

"You have not yet resisted sin to the point of shedding blood."
-- Heb 12:4

Wow. That verse shows me how far I am from being fully committed to the Lord. In my head, I like to focus on a few sins that seem to be the center of my struggle -- all the while my biggest sin is simply a lack of commitment. Christ said the "sum of all the law and the prophets" is loving God with everything I have and caring for all other people as I care for myself... and I'm a law breaker. I'm always quick to point to my flesh as the source of my sin, when the root of my sin lies in my level of commitment. I have not yet resisted sin to the point of shedding blood. Jesus calls for a much more dramatic cost of discipleship that I have been paying. Lord, teach me to perform for an Audience of One -- to not hesitate to give you my popularity, comfort, finances, desires and my life in order to bring you glory.

Breaking Wall

2005-02-16T21:56:00.000-08:00

Based on “Mending Wall” by Robert Frost

“Something there is that doesn't love a wall”
Be it not the wind, it blows where it must
Nor the rain that fails on the just and unjust
Hunters and game can not place a dent
The wall grows stronger since it was built.

It stands to be toppled, your will it can bear
Try to scale it, break it or pretend its not there
Yet it still stands taller, no need for repair.
This wall is something that no man can bear.

Time has no power to weaken its stance
More good than evil? Not even a chance.
“Good fences make good neighbors,” says he
A lie for the cowards and stubborn indeed

His love and His will hates what you’ve built
Roadblock to the Kingdom, Christ Himself
That wall left standing, blinds your own eyes
To the God of great mercy, glory and life!

“Something there is that doesn't love a wall”
A wall built by your sin, kept by your pride
That Something’s His blood, if you decide
To carry His cross daily, on your bare back
To trust in His word, and never look back

Forgiveness

2005-02-16T20:42:00.000-08:00

Why Lord, do I leave your house on Saturday night or Sunday morning ready to do battle with the worst of this world -- only to join in with the worst the next day. Why am I a traitor of your love? I betray you for temporal things! Father, forgive me for feasting on your word one day a week, while living a starvation diet the rest of the week, expecting to be sustained. Starving, reverting to selfishness and survival mode – forgetting my brother, forgetting you! Father, forgive me for returning when my clothes have been ripped and I have spit on your sacrifice. Jesus, forgive me that:

revivals at the altar
last only the night
begun in the Spirit,
carried in my might
and failure at light.

That I’m too tough to have a broken heart – too tough for God – please forgive me Lord! Forgive me that I can not be told apart from the world. Transform and revive my heart! Give me boldness to speak your Truth to those who will persecute and scoff at me. Bring my desire for worth back to your feet. Give me a new hunger for your word and a desire for intimacy with you alone! Your heart is anguished – and anguish I want! I want to taste like salt so others will give you glory!

Slumber

2005-02-12T22:28:00.000-08:00

to: the american church
cc: brad gaultney
re: your slumber

depart from Me, I never knew you
your cracked veneer over rotten pews
pasted smiles and calculated hearts
pious in healing of your own scars

seeking morality and calling it god
taking My Word and running roughshod
you’re nice, happy and nothing is wrong
afraid to admit, a sinner all along

a sleeping virgin, clean out of oil
like a thief I come, amidst your toil
AWAKEN MY BRIDE, AWAKE!
from your slumber, awake

rebuild your walls, stand your post
forget yourself and welcome the Ghost
seek My will alone, not yours or men
or slave for approval, slave to your end

you left your first love, repent and return
a gracious Lord I AM, this you will learn
awaken your hearts and pick up your cross
all the good you are, consider it loss

awaken and revive, return to My word
your culture speaks, forget what you’ve heard
liars and wolves, to lead you astray
focus on Jesus, enduring to the Day

Right-click and select "save" to download:
A Call to Anguish -- David Wilkerson

A Son's Desire

2005-02-11T15:14:00.000-08:00

unattached to all, joint heir of Christ
desiring adventure, His will, His life
not comfort or a life of “quiet desperation”
she seeks not any safety in an institution
yet she’s captivated by an imperfect man.

partnership of love, she is my helper
she serves all, as if unto the Master
supporter in public, challenger alone
expecting nothing, giving everything
trusting i will offer no less in return.

in the morning she begs to the Lord
“i’ll go where you send me. send me!”
at night, she thanks the Lord again
for being sent, for every single breath,
for every cent, for life without death.

joy that spreads to all she meets
tireless, the Lord renews her strength
her mission field is here, in the home
a work she will not complete alone
but with God, with me, a trinity.

she is my friend, my lover, my flesh
with her selflessness, I am blessed
wisdom’s her name, beauty her heart
her fear of the Lord, rare in our time
“an excellent wife, who can find?”

Beginnings: Read First

2005-02-11T10:46:00.000-08:00

“The good news as Jesus preached it is that now it is possible for ordinary men and women to live in the presence and under the power of God. The good news as Jesus preached it is not about the minimal entrance requirements for getting into heaven when you die. It is about the glorious redemption of human life.” – John Ortberg, The Life You’ve Always Wanted

I want this to be less of a day-to-day and more of a spiritual journal. My life as a 5th year student at Texas A&M, retired from student involvement, is simply not that exciting. With three months left in college, I am focused more on growing my relationship with the Lord and preparing for the next step: working life. Much of who I am has been defined over the past 5 years -- and will continue to be defined over the next 5. I also believe that your life is the sum of the decisions you have made -- one of my crucial decisions is to follow Christ, which is more and more affecting every aspect of my life.

I'm not sure whether I will share this journal or not -- but if I do, I would like to start by saying that I was a sinner, saved by grace to be made what I am today: a saint. Sin is no longer the rule of my life, but the exception. This does not mean I am without sin (just ask the guys I am in an accountability group with!) but it does mean that my sin is forgiven. In other words, when God looks at my life, He sees Jesus's sacrifice on the cross. Additionally, the Holy Spirit works in me as a kind of irresistable grace, making me more like Christ everyday (as long as I stay out of the way). Additionally, don't trust anything I write as the truth -- test it for yourself against scripture. If you can give evidence that I'm wrong on anything I write, please email me -- I want to know the truth more and more!